Has your partner done something to hurt you or have they physically hurt you? Have they called you degrading names or insults? Put you down, gaslighted you so you feel mentally exhausted in trying to tell them how you feel or do you just simply feel like complete shit after anytime you try and express your opinion on their behaviour?
I know the feeling; I was in an abusive marriage myself and often my perpetrator would do grand gestures after his malicious behaviour, which would make me think he was actually sorry…But how can you really know if they are sorry or not? Because, let’s be honest, they say it a fair few times but keep doing the hurtful actions?
Here are some tips to know if the perpetrator is really sorry:
1. They take full responsibility
So without being prompted by yourself, they own up to what they have done and genuinely show remorse – I don’t mean just saying the words ‘I am sorry’….because we all know that can be bullshit.
What I mean is seeing if they can be sorry without any excuses or justifying. For example, perpetrators who are NOT SORRY would say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry but you know I get triggered when I drink alcohol, it just makes me angry’, or they would say ‘I am sorry but if you didn’t upset me, then none of this would have happened’.
If it’s genuine remorse, then they say sorry regardless, with NO EXCUSES OR JUSTIFICATION.
2. They accept the consequences
This means that they accept their partner (you) might be upset or angry and will need some time to come round. Your partner would understand that you would need time and that this is normal.
A perpetrator would not allow their partner to be upset and would actually want to punish them further for taking the time to be upset with them – because they are not sorry. Someone who is truly sorry would understand their actions have consequences.
3. They try and make amends
If your partner is trying to make amends, not by doing grand gestures like taking you on a mini break away (this is what perpetrators do), but actually trying to be more respectful to you and trying to fix the situation. Maybe fixing the item they broke, they are considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better.
Ultimately, knowing if someone is really sorry comes down to whether they keep doing the same crap again, or if they actually start treating you better after seeing the consequences of their actions.
I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.
Keep smiling at her in the mirror!
Sanita xxx
healing-from-abuse.com 