Have you been burnt by an abusive relationship in the past? Feeling a little paranoid that every man is toxic now? Have you created a little safe haven which only consists of you, yourself and I? Fearing that if you date, it will mean getting abused again?
I totally understand what you might be feeling…that it’s hard to trust any man again after being tormented and abused , either physically or emotionally… you finally plucked up the courage to leave and now the thought of making the same mistake again and going through it all again is enough to make you feel sick.
You might be feeling like:
Single life = safe life
Relationships = pain and heartbreak
…but it doesn’t have to be that way…
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Firstly, it is totally understandable to be feeling this way right after leaving a toxic relationship. My concern is when I see women after 2 years, 5 years, 11 years after their relationship ended, who are still too fearful to move on…if this is you, this post is for you!
I see these women desperately want a loving relationship, yet they still find themselves in this inner conflict of fighting the process of dating or simply self sabotaging because they don’t believe they are worth it. If you are feeling this conflict within yourself of wanting a partner but also wanting to run away from the thought of a relationship, then maybe these 8 steps will help you.
8 Steps on how to be open to love again:
1. How do you feel about romantic relationships in general? Make note if this is positive or negative, and why that might be….really dig deep within yourself to get the answers.
2. Understand what you want from a relationship. What activities would you like to do, how would you have fun? How would you spend time together? The more specific you can get, the better.
3. What qualities and attributes would you prefer to have in your ideal partner? Don’t just say someone nice or someone not abusive…You have to be specific! Make a list of things that would make getting into a relationship unbelievably exciting! Think about the dream person, however unrealistic it may seem right now – write down all the attributes they would have…e.g a great communicator, they see women as equals to men, their love language is
quality time and they want to spend time with me…
4. Find a relationship role model- a couple who have a healthy and happy relationship already (healthy meaning they show gratitude for one another, they can clearly communicate their feelings, they put each other’s needs first) and make notes as to what they do differently to other couples. If you don’t have a role model, then sit down and think about what you would see as an ideal relationship instead.
5. Hopefully by this point you will start to see that relationships don’t equal pain, and that a lot of good can come from a relationship. You can start taking small actions like being open to a date, downloading a dating app and seeing where the world takes you!
6. Take things super slow! If you are scared of attracting another abuser, then all you have to do is take things slow and on your terms and if anyone gets angry or tries to move fast, then you know that it’s generally not a good sign (red flag). Little tip here is make sure you are the one calling the shots, like where and when you will be meeting in the early stages…perpetrators prefer control, so they would make it obvious that they wouldn’t like this approach.
7. If you are trying to date but are perhaps self-sabotaging because you are finding all men unattractive…know that not being attracted to a man initially is good and that you are winning! Normally it’s our ego who is attracted to people and I know in the past I was certainly looking for tall, dark and handsome, but as a healed woman, I know it’s not these factors which are important. So, if we are not initially attracted, this can be a good sign, as it allows for us to fall in love with a person’s personality instead; it allows us to build an emotional connection and room for him to chase you too!
8. Listen to your gut! If you gut is saying it’s familiar, then RUN! If your gut is saying it feels unfamiliar, then it’s probably healthy and stick with it!
The more you self-love and believe there is a good, pure intentioned soul out there for you, the more you will be able to see the frogs from the princes.
One date at a time…
I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.
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Keep smiling at her in the mirror!
Sanita xxx
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