You might be fearing that your partner has some strong narcissistic traits or you may be contemplating leaving a partner who is displaying some narcissistic traits…some days it all feels a bit too much and you don’t feel loved…
Either way, I guess what you really want to know is…How did your partner become a narcissist? How can you change them? Is there a reversal process to make them healthy and loving?
I will absolutely answer all these questions but first…
If you are experiencing a partner who has strong narcissistic traits, then please know that you are a strong, beautiful woman – there aren’t many people on this planet who can endure such punishments and abuse. I totally understand that you may not want to see it as abuse, as you may be in love with your partner and not in a position to leave them, but would rather change them….This is a position I truly understand, as I too was in the same boat and heavily researched ways to change a narcissist/abusive partner and I would like to share with you what I found and what steps you can take next…
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In order to change someone, you firstly need to be aware of what you are trying to change…
Can an abuser ever change?
- What are the behaviours, traits, abusive patterns that you believe are not healthy? What is it exactly that you want to change? Once you understand this, you have a clearer image of what you don’t want, which opens a path to what you do truly want.
- Secondly, have you voiced your concerns for all the above issues that you know are unhealthy? I am sure you have, probably on multiple occasions, and you have most likely been gaslighted, your feelings minimised, or you have faced point blank denial for any behaviour, or they may have even said the whole issue is you! If you can’t voice your feelings, then the chances of change in your partner are practically zero!
- Have they made any long-term changes to not do the things/behaviours that you have asked them not to do? If they have, how long have they kept up with these changes? Or did they relapse back into old ways? What this will tell you is that your partner is FULLY AWARE that you are unhappy, but they continue because they enjoy the benefits from what their behaviour gets them…maybe power, control, entitlement to not have to do certain tasks, etc. If no long term behaviour changes have been made, then again it’s not looking great for any potential to actually change.
- If they show NO genuine remorse, they are not accepting the consequences for their actions, they are not trying to make amends (on a long term basis), then there is a 99.99% they WILL NOT CHANGE! The reason is that they don’t believe they are doing anything wrong and they see you as something that is within their entitlement to control, punish and abuse…I knowwww, this is not what you wanted to hear and I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this…. But please know that your life is not over!
- If an abusive partner shows genuine remorse with ZERO excuses (not the fake emotion which gets you to drop your guard) and they genuinely go out of their way to make amends – not roses and a weekend away, but more they do actions to make you feel loved, like affirming you with words, doing something kind like running you a bath or cooking for you, etc. If they start doing this consistently and they recognise that your family won’t allow his/her behaviour anymore, they also are aware that their own family want them to change and the narcissist really wants to become a better person, then there is a long road ahead…
- What they would do if they did everything in the previous step, is they would need to check into a rehabilitation centre for abusers – it’s costly and takes years of reprogramming their minds!
There is no way of changing them – they can only change if they WANT TO CHANGE but they tend to do a few months of rehab and realise it’s not for them! They discover they would need to do some deep work of undoing their childhood trauma, and also letting go of the benefits of their abuse, such as the entitlement and being treated like a superior being…when they start to see this, nearly all perpetrators relapse back to being abusive… The tiny percentage who do keep going (<1%) are most likely after a few years into their rehab realise that they relapse when they have an argument or get angry. So, there will always be a part of them which craves the power and control, and always a part which will want to be abusive.
I really wish we could fix them (fix them all, as the world would be a better place then), but the reality is that when abusers have support from family/friends, advocating their abusive ways, they will continue as they are, because they see that as approval for their behaviour.
When I discovered this, my world just stopped, it was over! He was never going to change! I realised that in order to have a healthy family, I needed to leave, I needed to leave the marital home behind, I needed to start my life all over again, and that it was going to be so difficult…but once I left, I realised it wasn’t half as difficult as being in a relationship with someone who is incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.
You were guided to this post for a reason, and I am sending you so much love and light…
Please feel free to connect with others on their healing journeys @connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and @connectingwomen2gether on Instagram.
Keep smiling at her in the mirror!
Sanita xxx
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