After abuse, dating just seems like a complete freaking minefield…there are so many narcissists out there! Not only that, if you aren’t dodging the narcissists, then you are trying to avoid the people who just want sex and no commitment! It’s like a battlefield and you are simply trying to see if there are any healthy people left out there who actually want to be in a relationship!
I left an abusive marriage and thought that I would never trust a man again…but I learnt to (please see previous post for help on trusting a man again ) and now I live an amazing life with a healthy man. Now I want to help all women receive this guidance which I didn’t have whilst navigating through the mess and healing….because I realised there is not much help out there on this topic!
Something huge I have learnt is that me and YOU were wired, literally hard wired to attract an abusive man again…because of several factors (childhood trauma, cultural influence, societal pressures, and low sense of self-worth).
So the problem is that YOU are accustomed to being love bombed! What this means is that because you have previously had an abusive relationship, you are so used to having so much fake affection, love and attention being thrown at you. This fake love and attention gets you thinking ‘Wow, this guy tells me where he stands with me and I like it!’ ….The reason why you may like it, or why your nervous system likes it, is because it soothes childhood abandonment and rejection issues. So, your brain thinks ‘Wow what a great guy who can show me love and affection and give me the attention I need.’ – please note that abusers (male or female) can spot your needs and adapt their love bombing to make anyone feel special in a space of a few weeks.
So, let’s say when you try and date a HEALTHY MAN, things don’t go quite like you expect or plan, because ALL YOU ARE USED TO IS ABUSE! So when they don’t send you 15 messages in 1 day, or send you flowers to your home, or turn up unexpectedly at your house or work, or when they don’t confess their undying love for you in 2 weeks, you might be questioning if they are even into you! Because healthy men take things much slower, so this will feel unfamiliar, because you are not used to it!
Unresolved abandonment issues + A lack of love bombing (a healthy slow love) = Not knowing where you stand >>> Sabotaging the healthy relationship!
So the whole reason why you may struggle to attract healthy men is because you might still be expecting/wanting the unhealthy traits of abusive men. It sounds crazy, I know!
I know this might seem like a hard pill to swallow, because right now you thinking this is incorrect! Well, it’s technically not you…it’s actually your subconscious which is familiar with love bombing and wants the familiarity. When a healthy person comes along, it feels all unfamiliar and your brain says ‘Let’s sabotage this, because something different feels weird’!
So what can you do to help yourself find a healthy love?
> Start by doing things that are uncomfortable or take you out of your comfort zone – this will start building your confidence!
> Start looking at healthy relationship dynamics in others around, what do you see that perhaps you are unfamiliar with?
> Know your worth…what traits and behaviours do you actually want the healthy individual to have? This will get you thinking about what you do and don’t want and help shape what is acceptable for you.
If you would like more tips on dating and relationships, please do subscribe below…and remember to keep smiling at her in the mirror!
Sanita xxx
healing-from-abuse.com 