Why is it that these abusive people get away with their ways in court, by playing the victim? It’s crazy how they will play the system and use it to abuse you even more…like everything they have already done to you wasn’t enough! I have been on this journey, too and I initially found it very frustrating trying to manage my reactions and emotions with my abusive ex-husband… so I want to share 5 tips on ‘How to deal with a narcissist in, during or after court.’
Firstly, what you have to know is that your ex-partner is deeply hurt that you left the relationship, not necessarily because of their love for you, (which might sound very hurtful), but they tend to be more upset about their ego getting bruised with you leaving them…they basically feel abandoned and rejected after losing their sense of power over you.
Their primary goal now is to hurt you back, to make you feel the pain they are feeling and they will try and make life as difficult as possible for you…we call this ‘post-separation abuse’.
Divorcing anyone who has been abusive previously in a relationship can become challenging because the ex-partner is accustomed to having power and control over you and the relationship. So what this means is they will try their very best to control the divorce, custody of children, and seize any joint assets and enjoy using the legal system against you to make you feel powerless, depressed, exhausted and damn right just fed-up with it all!
How a narcissist will try to control you
You need to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride because these narcissists will go above and beyond to try and hurt you, and I want you to be prepared because I know from previous experience that when you are not prepared, it upsets and shocks you even more… so here are a few things that they might do to try and obtain power and control over your emotions:
>File false allegations against you;
>Refuse to respond to any offers you make on assets outside or even in court;
>They may even defend the divorce just to increase legal costs for you;
>Threats they will go for full custody if you do not return to the relationship;
>Claim you are on drugs or an unfit mother in some way to spark investigations;
>Persuade your own family/friends that you are the abusive one;
>Bring fraudulent documents into court to claim 100% asset ownership;
>Bear face lie in court and create stories about you (defamation);
>Play the victim role so well in court, so you have little to no credibility;
>Legally represent themselves just so they can even cross examine you.
The above are just some of the twisted things these abusive people do, just so they can continue to punish, hurt and control you…it’s not fair, it’s not nice and it’s still abuse!
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5 steps to navigating a divorce with an abuser
What I would like to do now is show you how to navigate through this period, and please know if you do have a divorce or financial dispute with assets, that it may take a few years to resolve, with the help of courts, depending on how crazy your ex-partner is and how much they can fund their lawyers…
1. Keep living your life!
I know a lot of women say they can’t date or do anything because of court dates/divorce or because of their ex….NOOO, please continue to live your life! THIS is exactly what they want, they want you to be curled up in a dark corner somewhere, miserable as hell! What you can do to help yourself is start to live your life and know that you will…and can get through it all…because you survived being with your ex (and that was bad enough), so you can survive anything! You are free now, so enjoy your freedom!
2. Don’t react!
They want a reaction, they want you to be miserable and they want you to contact them! They think you are still the same version of yourself who was in the relationship and we both know you evolved to know your worth, which is why you left! By not reacting, it shows them that you are a different person now and they can’t get to you! The best way to deal with an ex abusive partner is to allow a third party to be the buffer between you (whether it be a friend or a solicitor), and you remove all direct contact with them.
3. Visualise the process being done!
What I mean by this is, keep visualising what YOU DO WANT, rather than focusing on the worry and fear of what he/she might do next…easier said than done, I know! I remember when I had no money, my ex was doing EVERYTHING to stop me from getting my share of the joint house and I wanted to just cry everyday but what REALLY helped me was to keep meditating and visualising me being done with courts/lawyers and the EX! I kept visualising what life would look like after court was done, after I didn’t have to pay out to lawyers anymore…how I would feel, what I would be doing, etc. Honestly, this helped me stay sane, otherwise the alternative was to focus on the worry, fear, and unfairness of the whole damn situation and honestly, that didn’t work for me. In fact, it just made me sick instead. I strongly advise getting into the daily practice of meditating and visualising your life after this struggle.
4. Have faith!
Yes, it is so easy to go into panic mode and feel like everything is a mess in your life and it’s all going to shit! Life is over, and your ex might be financially draining you, and you might have no clue how to get through each day….This was me! This was probably my toughest period in life so far, having taken out several loans to pay my legal fees and what helped me in the end (it took me 3 years to realise) was to have faith that everything was going to be ok. Easier said than done, because you gotta think about a different reality to the one you are living in…Keep telling yourself everyday that God/Universe/Higher power has got you and won’t let you fall. Keep repeating this to yourself multiple times a day until you start believing it! Trust me, it will start sinking in!
5. You were chosen!
Please know YOU were chosen, YOU were selected by some higher power to take your ex on, to show him/her that abuse is not okay, to show them that you aren’t afraid to walk away and know you deserve more. YOU were the one chosen to teach them a lesson… to show that you are strong and stronger than them! That it had to be you to take them through the court and leave them, because maybe another woman wasn’t strong enough to do this…so please know you are not in this situation by accident or because you made a mistake a few years ago…it was all part of a process to make you realise how powerful you actually are and to tap into your inner divine self-belief!
If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.
Keep smiling at her in the mirror!
Sanita xxx
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