How do I know if they are really sorry?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Has your partner done something to hurt you or have they physically hurt you? Have they called you degrading names or insults? Put you down, gaslighted you so you feel mentally exhausted in trying to tell them how you feel or do you just simply feel like complete shit after anytime you try and express your opinion on their behaviour?


I know the feeling; I was in an abusive marriage myself and often my perpetrator would do grand gestures after his malicious behaviour, which would make me think he was actually sorry…But how can you really know if they are sorry or not? Because, let’s be honest, they say it a fair few times but keep doing the hurtful actions?

Here are some tips to know if the perpetrator is really sorry:

1. They take full responsibility

So without being prompted by yourself, they own up to what they have done and genuinely show remorse – I don’t mean just saying the words ‘I am sorry’….because we all know that can be bullshit.


What I mean is seeing if they can be sorry without any excuses or justifying. For example, perpetrators who are NOT SORRY would say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry but you know I get triggered when I drink alcohol, it just makes me angry’, or they would say ‘I am sorry but if you didn’t upset me, then none of this would have happened’.

If it’s genuine remorse, then they say sorry regardless, with NO EXCUSES OR JUSTIFICATION.

2. They accept the consequences

This means that they accept their partner (you) might be upset or angry and will need some time to come round. Your partner would understand that you would need time and that this is normal.

A perpetrator would not allow their partner to be upset and would actually want to punish them further for taking the time to be upset with them – because they are not sorry. Someone who is truly sorry would understand their actions have consequences.

3. They try and make amends

If your partner is trying to make amends, not by doing grand gestures like taking you on a mini break away (this is what perpetrators do), but actually trying to be more respectful to you and trying to fix the situation. Maybe fixing the item they broke, they are considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better.

Ultimately, knowing if someone is really sorry comes down to whether they keep doing the same crap again, or if they actually start treating you better after seeing the consequences of their actions.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why do you feel like you aren’t enough?

Posted on by healwithsanita

You feel like you can’t look in the mirror at your own reflection? You feel like no matter what you wear, you will still feel the same about your body…When the promotion comes up at work, you won’t even bother applying because you feel like you wouldn’t get it or even if you did get it, you would mess it up entirely? You feel like you aren’t quite worthy of being loved fully…

You may even feel like you are a failing in life…like it doesn’t matter what you do, you are faced with these feelings like you won’t ever be enough??

If this is you, then get comfy because I have some news for you!

It’s not your fault that you feel like this, and you can absolutely change the feeling to feeling MORE THAN enough instead!

So listen up!

You have been conditioned to think you are not enough!

Firstly, the reasons why you feel so shitty are the following:

  1. Family
  2. Society/culture
  3. Potentially your Partner too

Family and partner may not do this intentionally (unless they are abusive or controlling, of course – then it’s absolutely intentional).

When you were born, you never actually had any feelings of unworthiness; that ‘belief’ has only come about because of childhood conditioning. For example, being told at school that your homework wasn’t good enough or by simply not getting your parents’ approval for something can turn into feeling that you are not good enough!

So, we condition ourselves to feel like this, which is only then cemented by society and certain cultures which points out we should dress a certain way, cook, clean, be mums, wives, career minded and run the damn house at the same time…I mean seriously, it’s enough for anyone to think they weren’t enough.

A partner in your life is also very influential, so if they are not empowering you, then it’s likely that your confidence may dwindle.

So what can you do about it?

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How can you make yourself more confident, feeling like you are enough?

  1. LEAVE the NEGATIVITY at the door – don’t allow anyone to talk down at you, set boundaries with friends/family/partners! In order to do this, you must be aware of who is making you feel positive and who is making you feel negative.
  1. Hang out with the inspiring ones, so the more you hang about with positive people who empower you..the more you will believe in yourself too! Confidence is contagious!
  2. Affirmations! This is not BS!! This can actually work but you can’t outright lie to yourself. You can’t go from feeling crappy about yourself, beating yourself up, to then saying ‘I am a queen who is worthy of everything great coming to me’…your mind will think it’s a lie instantaneously! Even though it is absolutely so true….So you got to be smart about it and trick your mind into believing something small and working your way up from there…like saying ‘I am day by day increasing my self esteem and having the confidence to try new things’. Please know that affirmations only work when you repeat them several times a day for several months, because you are reconditioning your mind and eventually your mind will start believing.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

No one believes you were abused…

Posted on by healwithsanita

When you have gone through all the lies, manipulation, hurt, beatings, gaslighting and mindgames, and then you finally…yes, finally decide ‘enough is fricking enough’ and you leave his abusive ass! 

Then you decide to do the bravest thing you could do by telling your story, only to realise it was wasted courage because NO ONE BELIEVES YOU!

In this video Sanita explains why your family and friends might not believe your abuse.

You have to face false allegations because your perpetrator is so damn good at keeping up appearances…it’s like you have gone crazy! Because deep down you know you weren’t the abusive one… but the world believes he is innocent; all they see is his mask.

So why do your friends and family not believe you?

This is the painful question that I get asked a lot by women who I mentor; they don’t understand why the ones closest to them are not supporting them during their darkest times.

There are a few reasons but the main reason is because your friends and family don’t want to admit that they had formed a wrong opinion of someone, so rather than admitting they were wrong, it’s easier to point the finger at you and say you were wrong.

Whenever it feels like someone is trying to hurt you, please know it’s them hurting inside, and so they project the pain onto you and in most cases it actually has nothing to do with you!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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How to change your abusive partner in only 5 steps

Posted on by healwithsanita

You are treading on eggshells, worried and scared he might get angry again. BUT he can be so freaking kind, caring and loving, too! So you don’t want to leave him, but want to try and change the angry part of him instead? So he can be the nice person that he is for most of the relationship, right? Because he can be nice, so why can’t he be just like that all the time?

I totally understand; I too was in an abusive relationship, married to my perpetrator and I so badly wanted to change him too, until I realised that it wasn’t my decision to change him…it was his!

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5 steps to changing your abuser:

  1. Can your partner show genuine remorse and accept that their actions have consequences? 
  2. Can your partner make amends and understand why you might be feeling the way you are (without being prompted by you or anyone else)?
  3. Can your partner demonstrate effectively after showing remorse that they can be non-abusive  for a prolonged period of time? 3 months? 6 months?
  4. Can your partner’s family see that their behaviour is destructive?
  5. Do you have support from your own family, who support you to either leave or advocate a change in your partner? 

To be clear, in order to change an abusive man, you must have ‘yes’ answers to all of the above questions, but even if you have the above, you will still be required to do years of rehabilitation with your partner…

If you feel this content has been helpful, then please drop a comment below or if you would like to speak to someone, please contact me on Facebook @connectingwomen2gether 

Keep smiling in the mirror and sending you lots of love and light!

Sanita xxx