This trauma response could be costing you a healthy, loving relationship!

Posted on by healwithsanita

This trauma response nearly cost me my relationship! So, for those of you who are new to this blog, please know that I speak from experience. I went through abuse, left the relationship, healed and still healing, and now helping others to heal from their traumas, so they can live their best life, attract healthy love and be at peace with themselves…

When I was with my abusive ex I would be ‘stonewalled’ all the time (this is a form of psychological abuse designed to punish a victim by shutting them out – physically, emotionally and psychologically). This meant I could go days, sometimes weeks without being able to speak to him. Please see previous post on this. It meant that if I tried to talk to him, I would receive either physical abuse or be completely ignored, like I didn’t exist. It would be so painful to endure because I would just want to talk it out and he would sometimes disappear for days on end and I would have no clue where he was, if he was ok, if he was coming back home or not. If this sounds familiar, then please know that it is used as a form of punishment to gain power and control over a person.

Anyways…what I am trying to get to is the trauma response! So now I am in a healthy and happy relationship and it has taken a lot of healing to get here but I wanted to share something I experience which I think can really help if you are dating healthy men. If you are not sure how to navigate dating, click here on my post about how to trust a man again.

So stonewalling creates a cycle in a victim to believe she is being punished if she doesn’t get a response from a person because of the trauma which was hard wired into her from the past… so when a healthy person friend or romantic partner doesn’t message you back right away or doesn’t call you back for hours or sometimes days, it can make your trauma think that you did something wrong…

Your trauma will completely fixate on the fact that the person hasn’t messaged you and you may start feeling like you are unloved, uncared for, not thought about or even being punished, so your mind will start racing through the things you thought you may have done…or you may start to think that you are being abused again.

What I learnt from my experiences…

>I still had unresolved trauma which I needed to work on…
>I needed to communicate my feelings with my partner, so he could help support my healing…
>I needed to understand the root cause of these feelings…
>Our partners are not at fault – they might trigger you, but the trauma response lies within yourself…

So what can YOU DO to help heal from this trauma?

>Try and go back to your childhood or your last abusive relationship and understand what behaviours from others triggered these uncertain or negative feelings?


>Write down how you feel in the moment of these periods of uncertainty and what these feelings are essentially costing you in your life right now. Is the trauma response stopping you from dating? Or finding dating hard? Or is it that you feel like you can’t commit to a person? Or you are sabotaging healthy relationships? What is it really costing you in your life?


>Write down what you need to tell yourself in the moment when these feelings pop up again. For example…I tell myself that ‘I am loved and my partner is just busy and he will message me when he gets a minute. My partner is a kind soul and would never dream of punishing me’.


>Write down an action plan of things you can do to reverse the feelings…so what can you do that makes you happy and makes you feel confident that perhaps you can do for yourself in the moment?


>Have a think and see if there are any other trauma responses which could be popping up during
this phase of your life that you might want to start looking into?

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the love and success in your relationships moving forwards.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Here are 5 tips on how not to react to your narcissistic ex-partner!

Posted on by healwithsanita

You left them but somehow they are still getting to you? Either it’s through the divorce or through the children, or just simply they find a way to contact you and trigger you…

You might be thinking: “Haven’t I gone through enough with this guy or girl? Why won’t they just leave me alone?” Is it not enough that they controlled you for such a period of time that they still want to try and manipulate you after you have left too?

Yes, I totally get it! I have been there and reacted with the same emotions of anger, depression, days of crying and upset, frustration, sheer annoyance and also a pinch of anxiety, too….and what I can tell you is that it is A GAME for them, they love playing the reaction game, they love playing the control game, and they love winning.

So screw this! I am going to help YOU win for once! The winning equates to you not reacting and not giving YOUR POWER away to these narcissistic beings!

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1. Tip number 1 is to breathe!

This might sound crazy, but we cannot control the narcissist, but what I can teach you to do is help you control your own reactions towards them and also your own thoughts and feelings towards the overall situation. Breathwork can calm your entire body and nervous system; it actually reduces your blood pressure and reduces the stress hormone in your body. If you don’t know how to do breathwork, then please keep reading and I will drop some links. Breathwork helps you instantaneously lose the feelings of anxiety and depression and frustration…it has helped me so much!

2. Remember you can love and be loved back!

Tip number 2 is to remember that they don’t know how to love, and we don’t want to hate them, but feel sorry for them, because you actually have the capacity to love people and receive love from others…Abusive people are incapable, so it doesn’t matter if they moved on or not, you know deep down that the next person will go through the same trauma as you…so instead, focus on the fact that you are healthy and can love others and will find someone to love in the future!

3. Physically move your body!

So when the narcissist makes a move in this game that he is playing, they win by getting you to show your upset reactions… So when they make the move, you would need to go straight into doing an activity such as physically exercise or some breathwork…it doesn’t have to be going to the gym and and having a complex, heavy weight regime! No…all I mean is move your body – walk, run, swim…maybe do some jump squats or some rope skipping in your garden. This will release endorphins and make you feel way better. I would say if you are able to, then do something more intense and it will help release more of the happy hormones. Then make any decisions you need to after you are in a different state of mind…repeating this will create a habit.

4. Focus on what you want for your life!

Know that every time you allow the narcissist to get to you, you are allowing him to take you away from the vibrational energy and emotion you need to attract what you want in your life. Meditate and visualise what you want, instead of worrying & giving all your energy to someone you chose to leave (it just takes patience and practice).

5. Remember everything that you already have in your life.

Yes, life is unfair, and yes, we got the short straw with the ex-narcissists, but when I left my ex, I was very grateful for a roof over my head, food in the fridge, the fact I had my health, I had legs, and I could walk, and also the fact that I WAS FREE and no longer controlled…I could do whatever I wanted! Gratitude is a powerful practice and it can help you attract more to your life.

Life isn’t that bad when separating from a narcissistic partner. I am not saying you can’t be upset, it’s ok to be upset in the moment, we do react in the moment…but then we have a choice to do something that will help you feel good (like the 5 points above), or we can allow the ex to win and we give our power away…we allow them to have control over our emotions, even when we have left them!

Here are some additional information and resources which might help:

Meditation links:
https://youtu.be/VaN36LGLh4I
https://youtu.be/6wzPKoeguw8

Breathwork links:
https://youtu.be/qlTC2HBmPeM
https://youtu.be/zmn_7wr0Pk4
https://youtu.be/0BNejY1e9ik

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Why does it always feel like my fault?

Posted on by healwithsanita

When no matter what you do, it always feels like your fault! Even when you try to be conscious of everything that you do BUT your partner still screams at you and puts all the blame on you…there might even be times when you enter that conversation knowing that you were right and you wanted to talk about your feelings but they turn around and say that your feelings are wrong and that ‘if you didn’t do something, then things would have been better, or that if you didn’t get mad, then they wouldn’t have reacted the way they did’…

If you are constantly feeling on edge and guilty, it’s because that’s how you have been conditioned to be….

If this all sounds familiar, then know that these are some examples from my previous abusive marriage and I am writing this blog to help you see the patterns of emotional manipulation and how you can overcome them.

Firstly, emotional abuse is about manipulating an individual to feel a certain way – usually these are guilt, shame, worry, anxiety, depression, loneliness, unhappiness, etc – all the emotions you really want! Just kidding! I mean, the goal for perpetrators is not to make you happy, that’s for sure.

How do they cause these feelings?

  • Gaslighting
  • Punishments
  • Constant degradation
  • Rejection
  • Denial
  • Minimising

So they will minimise your feelings by saying you are overreacting to things, or completely deny their behaviour (which will make you feel like you are going insaaanne). They may even constantly punish you, so they have trained you to feel bad if you don’t do certain things that they want…one example of a punishment could be stonewalling where they act like you don’t exist and this can be a form of emotional torture.

The gaslighting is probably the biggest one here though, and this is when a perpetrator will tell you your feelings aren’t correct, or twist everything that you say or may project their own behaviour onto yourself…which can be very confusing. They will also lie, even fake their own emotions to get you to doubt your own thoughts – that’s the objective…for you to doubt yourself, so you can’t see past the lies and games and lose trust in your own judgements.

So how do you know for sure if it’s emotional abuse? And if it is, how on earth do you overcome it?

  1. Collect as much evidence as possible; try to make a note of conversations and how they react when you bring up feelings or anything you want to discuss which may cause some conflict.
  2. DON’T REACT! They may do any of the above techniques to try and throw you off but you must watch and observe for patterns. After a few weeks you will know for sure.
  3. So overcoming it is a difficult one – once someone knows they can manipulate you, they will always chose to do it because they enjoy the power! So this is where you decide if you want to continue in the relationship or know that you deserve better.
  4. If you chose to stay, then the only advice I can give you is to stay safe and try to remain as sane as possible…set boundaries but know that no perpetrator will like boundaries because it means they lose control of you and the relationship.
  5. Be aware of how anyone (partner or friend/family) interacts with you, what their patterns are, if they have to deal with conflict, can you tell them anything without any of the above reactions?
  6. Lastly, don’t allow anyone to control and manipulate your thoughts, listen to your gut and the more you see the patterns around you, the more you will start to believe in yourself more and the guilt will slowly start to dissolve…

I hope this helped. Please subscribe and share with anyone you think might find this useful and connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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I don’t think I am strong enough to leave my abuser!

Posted on by healwithsanita

So many people tell me this…they say they don’t think they are strong enough to leave…or that they don’t think they would survive alone after they leave.

I am not here to tell you to leave your partner but I can explain a few things as to why you are feeling conflicted…

Survival mode versus logical thinking

You are currently in survival mode and not thinking logically, due to all the abuse you have endured, so your survival brain is saying you are not strong enough… but your logical brain would tell you the following: you lived a life before this person, right? So you can absolutely live without them! It may be hard, as you may miss them at first, but you can leave and survive (trust me, I have left and am now thriving).

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Loss of confidence in yourself

You have been brainwashed into not believing your own logic and thoughts, and instead the voice that says you can’t leave is not your voice…it’s your perpetrator’s voice. It’s months and years of emotional and psychological abuse making you lose your confidence and self worth! So you can absolutely leave and THRIVE and be ok. It will be a journey, but you are way stronger than you think! You have just been brainwashed and conditioned to think you are weak!

Breaking the trauma bond

You are subconsciously addicted to the abuse…I know it’s actually crazy, but true!! It’s something we call the trauma bond, which makes leaving a perpetrator so damn difficult (trust me, I know – I have been there too). The bond can be broken, it just means you need to know why you are leaving your abuser and what the consequences are of staying and what the benefits are of leaving. Once you know these, you then need a solid period of time away from them with no contact (not with any intention to go back to them). Then you can start to chip away at the trauma bond and pour back into yourself. Easier said than done, but it can absolutely be done!

Please know that the last thing your abuser wants is for you to leave, because then they would lose their emotional and physical punchbag.

They will do anything to make you stay – this technique is called ‘hoovering’ – basically sucking you back in again, and doing and saying all the things you want them to do/say…but it’s funny how they only do this when they know you are close to leaving. So be mindful of their ‘hoovering’ techniques.

So please know you are way stronger than you know, and please stop repeating the negative things you say about yourself…instead be kind to yourself!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Why do you feel like you aren’t enough?

Posted on by healwithsanita

You feel like you can’t look in the mirror at your own reflection? You feel like no matter what you wear, you will still feel the same about your body…When the promotion comes up at work, you won’t even bother applying because you feel like you wouldn’t get it or even if you did get it, you would mess it up entirely? You feel like you aren’t quite worthy of being loved fully…

You may even feel like you are a failing in life…like it doesn’t matter what you do, you are faced with these feelings like you won’t ever be enough??

If this is you, then get comfy because I have some news for you!

It’s not your fault that you feel like this, and you can absolutely change the feeling to feeling MORE THAN enough instead!

So listen up!

You have been conditioned to think you are not enough!

Firstly, the reasons why you feel so shitty are the following:

  1. Family
  2. Society/culture
  3. Potentially your Partner too

Family and partner may not do this intentionally (unless they are abusive or controlling, of course – then it’s absolutely intentional).

When you were born, you never actually had any feelings of unworthiness; that ‘belief’ has only come about because of childhood conditioning. For example, being told at school that your homework wasn’t good enough or by simply not getting your parents’ approval for something can turn into feeling that you are not good enough!

So, we condition ourselves to feel like this, which is only then cemented by society and certain cultures which points out we should dress a certain way, cook, clean, be mums, wives, career minded and run the damn house at the same time…I mean seriously, it’s enough for anyone to think they weren’t enough.

A partner in your life is also very influential, so if they are not empowering you, then it’s likely that your confidence may dwindle.

So what can you do about it?

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How can you make yourself more confident, feeling like you are enough?

  1. LEAVE the NEGATIVITY at the door – don’t allow anyone to talk down at you, set boundaries with friends/family/partners! In order to do this, you must be aware of who is making you feel positive and who is making you feel negative.
  1. Hang out with the inspiring ones, so the more you hang about with positive people who empower you..the more you will believe in yourself too! Confidence is contagious!
  2. Affirmations! This is not BS!! This can actually work but you can’t outright lie to yourself. You can’t go from feeling crappy about yourself, beating yourself up, to then saying ‘I am a queen who is worthy of everything great coming to me’…your mind will think it’s a lie instantaneously! Even though it is absolutely so true….So you got to be smart about it and trick your mind into believing something small and working your way up from there…like saying ‘I am day by day increasing my self esteem and having the confidence to try new things’. Please know that affirmations only work when you repeat them several times a day for several months, because you are reconditioning your mind and eventually your mind will start believing.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx