You are NOT betraying your partner for reporting them!

Posted on by healwithsanita

The insane levels of guilt and feelings of betrayal are enough to make you think that YOU are the guilty person, even after all the abuse and everything they have done!

After a partner who you love does terrible things to you, such as acts of violence, then part of you will want to report him as it’s the right thing to do…But then the other half of you will be wondering how on earth you could do such a thing… Probably because of the sheer guilt and heaviness, your heart feels like it’s betraying him/her…

If you are feeling like this and not sure what to do, then let me, please, give you some tips which might help…

1. She/He’s done it before!

Firstly, I can almost guarantee that if your partner is being reported for domestic violence or an act of violence towards you, then it certainly is not their first time they have done this! They may or may not have a record, as most women feel what you feel and are either too scared to call the police, or feel like they can’t, because they don’t want to betray their abusers. So, by you reporting and following through, you are helping provide some kind of consequence for your ex/partner, because as it currently stands, he thinks this violent behaviour is normal and ok.

2. Stop giving approval!

Do you really want this version of love for the rest of your life? For your kids’ lives? If you don’t report him, then then the abuse continues and you will live a miserable life…by not reporting it, the abuser may take your silence as approval of the abuse and may think that you want this abuse to continue (they have sordid minds).

3. Think about your grandchildren.

Every abuser who doesn’t get reported means that another person can fall into the trap of abuse without the warning! If we don’t report all abuse, then what chances do your future grandchildren or great grandchildren stand if there is a world of abusive people who continue their destruction without facing any consequences… if you choose to report, then you are doing your bit to make the world a better place for future generations.

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4. You are wired to feel guilty!

If you have been in an abusive relationship for any period of time, you would have been wired to feel guilty ALL THE TIME – that’s how abusers make you think everything is YOUR FAULT; that’s how they keep the fog around your eyes for so long that you can’t see the real manipulation! Please know, this is exactly how the abuser wants you to feel so he can continue his ways. It is up to you to break the pattern of guilt!

5. If it was a stranger?

Let me ask you something – if a stranger came up to you on the street and carried out the same behaviour as your ex/partner, would you be ok with it or would you report it? Or if they treated your friend in such a way? So surely your partner (the person who claims to love you) should treat you much better than a stranger, right? And if your partner doesn’t treat you better than a stranger, then what do you think you should do?

I know these points may seem a little cruel and I see that…but I also see many women who choose not to report their partner and then later immensely regret their decision…

I hope this helps you remove some of that guilt and heaviness and know that you are beautiful and you deserve a true, full, wholehearted love in your life!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Will I ever be able to trust a man again?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Have you been burnt by an abusive relationship in the past? Feeling a little paranoid that every man is toxic now? Have you created a little safe haven which only consists of you, yourself and I? Fearing that if you date, it will mean getting abused again?


I totally understand what you might be feeling…that it’s hard to trust any man again after being tormented and abused , either physically or emotionally… you finally plucked up the courage to leave and now the thought of making the same mistake again and going through it all again is enough to make you feel sick.

You might be feeling like:


Single life = safe life

Relationships = pain and heartbreak


…but it doesn’t have to be that way…

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Firstly, it is totally understandable to be feeling this way right after leaving a toxic relationship. My concern is when I see women after 2 years, 5 years, 11 years after their relationship ended, who are still too fearful to move on…if this is you, this post is for you!


I see these women desperately want a loving relationship, yet they still find themselves in this inner conflict of fighting the process of dating or simply self sabotaging because they don’t believe they are worth it. If you are feeling this conflict within yourself of wanting a partner but also wanting to run away from the thought of a relationship, then maybe these 8 steps will help you.

8 Steps on how to be open to love again:

1. How do you feel about romantic relationships in general? Make note if this is positive or negative, and why that might be….really dig deep within yourself to get the answers.

2. Understand what you want from a relationship. What activities would you like to do, how would you have fun? How would you spend time together? The more specific you can get, the better.

3. What qualities and attributes would you prefer to have in your ideal partner? Don’t just say someone nice or someone not abusive…You have to be specific! Make a list of things that would make getting into a relationship unbelievably exciting! Think about the dream person, however unrealistic it may seem right now – write down all the attributes they would have…e.g a great communicator, they see women as equals to men, their love language is
quality time and they want to spend time with me…

4. Find a relationship role model- a couple who have a healthy and happy relationship already (healthy meaning they show gratitude for one another, they can clearly communicate their feelings, they put each other’s needs first) and make notes as to what they do differently to other couples. If you don’t have a role model, then sit down and think about what you would see as an ideal relationship instead.

5. Hopefully by this point you will start to see that relationships don’t equal pain, and that a lot of good can come from a relationship. You can start taking small actions like being open to a date, downloading a dating app and seeing where the world takes you!

6. Take things super slow! If you are scared of attracting another abuser, then all you have to do is take things slow and on your terms and if anyone gets angry or tries to move fast, then you know that it’s generally not a good sign (red flag). Little tip here is make sure you are the one calling the shots, like where and when you will be meeting in the early stages…perpetrators prefer control, so they would make it obvious that they wouldn’t like this approach.

7. If you are trying to date but are perhaps self-sabotaging because you are finding all men unattractive…know that not being attracted to a man initially is good and that you are winning! Normally it’s our ego who is attracted to people and I know in the past I was certainly looking for tall, dark and handsome, but as a healed woman, I know it’s not these factors which are important. So, if we are not initially attracted, this can be a good sign, as it allows for us to fall in love with a person’s personality instead; it allows us to build an emotional connection and room for him to chase you too!

8. Listen to your gut! If you gut is saying it’s familiar, then RUN! If your gut is saying it feels unfamiliar, then it’s probably healthy and stick with it!

The more you self-love and believe there is a good, pure intentioned soul out there for you, the more you will be able to see the frogs from the princes.

One date at a time…

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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When will my divorce end? Why is it never ending?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Has your court case been going on for TOO LONG? Do you feel like your ex husband is utilising the legal system to further abuse you? Does it feel like the process of divorce is never ending?

If yes is the answer to any of the above, then please know you are not alone and then know this:


This experience is making you a stronger person and also is setting you up for the rest of your life!

Divorce is making you stronger

How so? Because the greater our enemy, the greater we become….so really the joke is on your abusive ex-husband/partner…they are making you into the Queen you truly are. They are helping you with the following:

  1. Becoming more emotionally resilient. Let’s be honest – if you can handle them and their abuse, then you can handle anything that comes at you in life.
  2. Becoming more patient because if it was up to us, we would have completed the process so much quicker and more efficiently, but this process is teaching you patience which will serve you in a later stage or project in your life.
  3. Becoming more confident by simply going through this process, as you may have had to go to court, legally represent yourself in court, the constant stress of dealing with solicitors/attorneys and the legal system. Look back for a second and see how far you have come and how much you have grown…

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Although I just referred to the ex as the enemy, they really aren’t the enemy, instead they are our greatest teacher by helping us learn more and more about ourselves, which can help us in future relationships, future businesses, future parenting and just life in general!


Something else that people might not tell you is that you are actually crushing your ex abusive partner’s confidence and ego by simply leaving them in the first place and so all the fighting they are doing in or out of court is to try and get you back! It’s because they are hurting! They are not happy! They are trying to redeem their own ego! Crazy, I know, right?

Divine timing

But let me leave you with this…please know you were chosen for this battle because some higher power knew you would get through it, because it knew you were the one strong enough to stand up and endure and get through it.

You reading this is no accident – this message was sent to you in divine timing, so I hope you know that you are stronger than you think and you are serving women all around the world by not only leaving an abusive partner, but being brave enough to stay away too.

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

    Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

    Sexual abuse with adults – How do I know if there is sexual abuse in my relationship?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    Sexual abuse happens in adult relationships and sometimes in marriages, too! I know a lot of people, including myself, for a long time thought sexual abuse only occurred with children but sexual abuse is actually quite common in adult relationships, too!

    The problem is a lot of people (mainly women) don’t actually know they are being sexually abused…

    You might be thinking, well I would know if someone tried to rape me….but actually sexual abuse, although it includes rape, can be more discrete and predominately happens in relationships or close relationships.

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    Some ways to know if you are being sexually abused are:

    • If you’re made to feel guilty, so you are coerced into having sex;
    • Your partner uses your past against you, so you feel like you must have sex with them;
    • You are made to feel like you aren’t being a good enough sexual partner;
    • Or your partner just exhausts you at night, so you just give up and give in even when you don’t want to
    • Or you may just find him on top of you during the night.

    The problem is that we just don’t talk about sex…and because of that, sexual abuse goes under the radar so easily because perpetrators know that their victims won’t ever talk about it…let alone know that it is even a form of abuse!

    Sexual abuse: definition

    Sexual abuse: When a partner is wanting to have sex and using guilt, coercive control, playing mind games to manipulate their victim or simply using intimidation to get sex, even when their partner voices they do not want to!

    • Sexual abuse is another way of exerting power and control for the perpetrator;
    • Sexual abuse and assault can happen within a marriage, and relationships – this means wives and partners can be rape victims, too;
    • Perpetrators often believe it’s their male right to have sex when they want and on their own terms due to their entitled thinking;
    • Sexual abuse and assault can be coerced through exhaustion, guilt, fear of punishments, intimidation, and physical force;
    • Abusers can also deprive their partner of their sexual needs as a form of punishment;
    • Drugs and alcohol can be used to coerce victims into sexual acts.

    The way out of sexually abusive relationships

    Sexual abuse only gets worse the longer the relationship goes on…the only way to stop it is to leave the perpetrator…which is not what anyone wants to hear. I know I certainly didn’t want to hear this when I was in an abusive marriage.

    Leaving is never easy but in my opinion, it’s totally worth it.

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

    Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

    How do I know if they are really sorry?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    Has your partner done something to hurt you or have they physically hurt you? Have they called you degrading names or insults? Put you down, gaslighted you so you feel mentally exhausted in trying to tell them how you feel or do you just simply feel like complete shit after anytime you try and express your opinion on their behaviour?


    I know the feeling; I was in an abusive marriage myself and often my perpetrator would do grand gestures after his malicious behaviour, which would make me think he was actually sorry…But how can you really know if they are sorry or not? Because, let’s be honest, they say it a fair few times but keep doing the hurtful actions?

    Here are some tips to know if the perpetrator is really sorry:

    1. They take full responsibility

    So without being prompted by yourself, they own up to what they have done and genuinely show remorse – I don’t mean just saying the words ‘I am sorry’….because we all know that can be bullshit.


    What I mean is seeing if they can be sorry without any excuses or justifying. For example, perpetrators who are NOT SORRY would say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry but you know I get triggered when I drink alcohol, it just makes me angry’, or they would say ‘I am sorry but if you didn’t upset me, then none of this would have happened’.

    If it’s genuine remorse, then they say sorry regardless, with NO EXCUSES OR JUSTIFICATION.

    2. They accept the consequences

    This means that they accept their partner (you) might be upset or angry and will need some time to come round. Your partner would understand that you would need time and that this is normal.

    A perpetrator would not allow their partner to be upset and would actually want to punish them further for taking the time to be upset with them – because they are not sorry. Someone who is truly sorry would understand their actions have consequences.

    3. They try and make amends

    If your partner is trying to make amends, not by doing grand gestures like taking you on a mini break away (this is what perpetrators do), but actually trying to be more respectful to you and trying to fix the situation. Maybe fixing the item they broke, they are considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better.

    Ultimately, knowing if someone is really sorry comes down to whether they keep doing the same crap again, or if they actually start treating you better after seeing the consequences of their actions.

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

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    Why do I keep attracting toxic abusers in my relationships?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    Had a narrow escape from one abusive relationship, you were thankful and grateful that you left because if you didn’t, life would have been horrendous…but then when you try and date or are even remotely interested in someone, they also seem abusive? It’s worrying because you start wondering if you can ever have a healthy relationship again. Like, seriously,

    Are all men fricking abusive?

    The answer to this is simple: no, they are not…there are plenty of healthy men out there, too. 

    So I firstly congratulate you on discovering that there is a pattern with your relationships, because some women end up going their whole lives without ever noticing this.

    Secondly, being aware men are abusive is also a huge milestone to celebrate, as many women (including myself), do not realise that they are being abused at the time of it happening.

    Trust me on this one – I had to do lots of research to realise that I was in an abusive marriage, and then discovered my previous relationship to that was also abusive, but I had no fricking clue!

    Like, how does one not know what the difference is between abuse and a healthy relationship? 

    To find out more, please watch this short video explaining some of the many answers as to why we end up in these abusive/toxic relationships without even realising…

    Sanita explains why some women keep attracting abusive/toxic people.

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse. 

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror! 

    Sanita xxx

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    How to change your abusive partner in only 5 steps

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    You are treading on eggshells, worried and scared he might get angry again. BUT he can be so freaking kind, caring and loving, too! So you don’t want to leave him, but want to try and change the angry part of him instead? So he can be the nice person that he is for most of the relationship, right? Because he can be nice, so why can’t he be just like that all the time?

    I totally understand; I too was in an abusive relationship, married to my perpetrator and I so badly wanted to change him too, until I realised that it wasn’t my decision to change him…it was his!

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    5 steps to changing your abuser:

    1. Can your partner show genuine remorse and accept that their actions have consequences? 
    2. Can your partner make amends and understand why you might be feeling the way you are (without being prompted by you or anyone else)?
    3. Can your partner demonstrate effectively after showing remorse that they can be non-abusive  for a prolonged period of time? 3 months? 6 months?
    4. Can your partner’s family see that their behaviour is destructive?
    5. Do you have support from your own family, who support you to either leave or advocate a change in your partner? 

    To be clear, in order to change an abusive man, you must have ‘yes’ answers to all of the above questions, but even if you have the above, you will still be required to do years of rehabilitation with your partner…

    If you feel this content has been helpful, then please drop a comment below or if you would like to speak to someone, please contact me on Facebook @connectingwomen2gether 

    Keep smiling in the mirror and sending you lots of love and light!

    Sanita xxx

    5 tips to know if your partner is actually abusing you covertly

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    Feeling scared but don’t know why? Not sure what you do to upset them but they get upset anyways? Feeling like it just doesn’t matter what you do anymore as you seem to be upsetting them or making them angry all the time? 

    I used to think the same and then it wasn’t until a therapist told me that I was going through abuse…it still took me a while to accept the situation that my own husband was abusing me…

    So here are some tips because I don’t want you to suffer like I did, in the dark, not knowing what was happening around me, thinking the abuse was some sordid version of love….

    1. When you try and hold them accountable for anything, they will refuse to accept it and do one of the following….Blame you, say hurtful things to deflect from the situation, walk away, or minimise the abuse by saying something like: “you are overreacting, like always”. 
    2. You partner has a problem with you being out either with friends or family or just being out of the house. They might not show it, so they could sabotage you going out by making an argument happen, for example right before you are due to leave.
    3. There are extremes in the relationship – you might be thinking that your partner has some bi-polar disorder or something because one minute they are calm and the next they literally go crazy!
    4. They say and do horrendous things that make you feel so unworthy, but then they do extravagant things to make it up to you. Or say they are sorry but do the same actions again.
    5. You feel like EVERYTHING is your fault! Not matter what you do, you will get blamed, you feel like you are struggling because there is no winning with your partner. Even when you know you did nothing wrong, somehow it gets pinned on you!

    If you feel this content has been helpful, then please drop a comment below, or if you would like to speak to someone, please contact me on Facebook @connectingwomen2gether 

    Keep smiling in the mirror and sending you lots of love and light!

    Sanita xxx

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