Here are 5 tips on how not to react to your narcissistic ex-partner!

Posted on by healwithsanita

You left them but somehow they are still getting to you? Either it’s through the divorce or through the children, or just simply they find a way to contact you and trigger you…

You might be thinking: “Haven’t I gone through enough with this guy or girl? Why won’t they just leave me alone?” Is it not enough that they controlled you for such a period of time that they still want to try and manipulate you after you have left too?

Yes, I totally get it! I have been there and reacted with the same emotions of anger, depression, days of crying and upset, frustration, sheer annoyance and also a pinch of anxiety, too….and what I can tell you is that it is A GAME for them, they love playing the reaction game, they love playing the control game, and they love winning.

So screw this! I am going to help YOU win for once! The winning equates to you not reacting and not giving YOUR POWER away to these narcissistic beings!

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1. Tip number 1 is to breathe!

This might sound crazy, but we cannot control the narcissist, but what I can teach you to do is help you control your own reactions towards them and also your own thoughts and feelings towards the overall situation. Breathwork can calm your entire body and nervous system; it actually reduces your blood pressure and reduces the stress hormone in your body. If you don’t know how to do breathwork, then please keep reading and I will drop some links. Breathwork helps you instantaneously lose the feelings of anxiety and depression and frustration…it has helped me so much!

2. Remember you can love and be loved back!

Tip number 2 is to remember that they don’t know how to love, and we don’t want to hate them, but feel sorry for them, because you actually have the capacity to love people and receive love from others…Abusive people are incapable, so it doesn’t matter if they moved on or not, you know deep down that the next person will go through the same trauma as you…so instead, focus on the fact that you are healthy and can love others and will find someone to love in the future!

3. Physically move your body!

So when the narcissist makes a move in this game that he is playing, they win by getting you to show your upset reactions… So when they make the move, you would need to go straight into doing an activity such as physically exercise or some breathwork…it doesn’t have to be going to the gym and and having a complex, heavy weight regime! No…all I mean is move your body – walk, run, swim…maybe do some jump squats or some rope skipping in your garden. This will release endorphins and make you feel way better. I would say if you are able to, then do something more intense and it will help release more of the happy hormones. Then make any decisions you need to after you are in a different state of mind…repeating this will create a habit.

4. Focus on what you want for your life!

Know that every time you allow the narcissist to get to you, you are allowing him to take you away from the vibrational energy and emotion you need to attract what you want in your life. Meditate and visualise what you want, instead of worrying & giving all your energy to someone you chose to leave (it just takes patience and practice).

5. Remember everything that you already have in your life.

Yes, life is unfair, and yes, we got the short straw with the ex-narcissists, but when I left my ex, I was very grateful for a roof over my head, food in the fridge, the fact I had my health, I had legs, and I could walk, and also the fact that I WAS FREE and no longer controlled…I could do whatever I wanted! Gratitude is a powerful practice and it can help you attract more to your life.

Life isn’t that bad when separating from a narcissistic partner. I am not saying you can’t be upset, it’s ok to be upset in the moment, we do react in the moment…but then we have a choice to do something that will help you feel good (like the 5 points above), or we can allow the ex to win and we give our power away…we allow them to have control over our emotions, even when we have left them!

Here are some additional information and resources which might help:

Meditation links:
https://youtu.be/VaN36LGLh4I
https://youtu.be/6wzPKoeguw8

Breathwork links:
https://youtu.be/qlTC2HBmPeM
https://youtu.be/zmn_7wr0Pk4
https://youtu.be/0BNejY1e9ik

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Does my partner have Bipolar?

Posted on by healwithsanita

If you are feeling like your partner behaves in ways which are just simply really mean and disgusting; if they beat you or are continuously putting you down, making you feel guilty, puts ‘blame’ onto you for a lot of the relationship problems, only seems to behave badly towards yourself but is angelic with others in public…

Are you in an abusive relationship?

If the above is all ringing true and seems familiar, then it probably means your partner is being abusive…you probably don’t want to hear that right now, but you do need to know that there is a reason why they chose you, why they only behave like this with you and not others. If you keep reading, I will answer all your questions…

Firstly, what I mean by ‘abusive’ is that your partner may be hungry for power and control and like to always be the one in the relationship who has it, which then means they will always do debilitating acts (to you or the relationship) to get their control and power over you/your relationship.

These patterns also tend to mean that they have always been like this in a relationship – it’s kind of part of their identity to be power hungry because it’s the only way they prefer…as this way gives them a lot of entitlement…i.e benefits which come with the abuse and they like feeling in control!

But I guess what you want to really know is why they picked you and why they are so abusive to you and perhaps not to other people…

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Traits abusers are looking for

The answer to this is really simple – they specifically chose you because you had some traits which were beneficial for them….traits such as ‘strong independent woman’. The strong woman doesn’t tend to show vulnerability or how she is feeling with anyone, so abusive people prefer a victim who has this trait. It means it is easier to control and manipulate without being caught out and having their true identity revealed to the public.

Another trait is ‘people pleasing’…this one is great as it means victims fall in the trap of forever trying to please their partner without ever knowing that the system is flawed and it’s designed to make you fail. There is no finish line, there is never a way to please an abusive person, as they make up the rules and continuously increase the standards. People pleasers will fall in the trap of ‘let me keep trying’ and spend many years failing to appease their partner and falling deeper under their control instead…

There are far too many of these traits for me to go into but you get the gist of things; the main issue here is really that the perpetrator is ACTUALLY INTIMIDATED BY YOU! YES, I said that right – they are jealous of what you have achieved and your empathy, your passion, your ability to love with no boundaries, your skills and attributes…and so they set out each day to break you down, one day at a time…so that you don’t really notice until you are far deep into the hands of your abuser…

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why does it always feel like my fault?

Posted on by healwithsanita

When no matter what you do, it always feels like your fault! Even when you try to be conscious of everything that you do BUT your partner still screams at you and puts all the blame on you…there might even be times when you enter that conversation knowing that you were right and you wanted to talk about your feelings but they turn around and say that your feelings are wrong and that ‘if you didn’t do something, then things would have been better, or that if you didn’t get mad, then they wouldn’t have reacted the way they did’…

If you are constantly feeling on edge and guilty, it’s because that’s how you have been conditioned to be….

If this all sounds familiar, then know that these are some examples from my previous abusive marriage and I am writing this blog to help you see the patterns of emotional manipulation and how you can overcome them.

Firstly, emotional abuse is about manipulating an individual to feel a certain way – usually these are guilt, shame, worry, anxiety, depression, loneliness, unhappiness, etc – all the emotions you really want! Just kidding! I mean, the goal for perpetrators is not to make you happy, that’s for sure.

How do they cause these feelings?

  • Gaslighting
  • Punishments
  • Constant degradation
  • Rejection
  • Denial
  • Minimising

So they will minimise your feelings by saying you are overreacting to things, or completely deny their behaviour (which will make you feel like you are going insaaanne). They may even constantly punish you, so they have trained you to feel bad if you don’t do certain things that they want…one example of a punishment could be stonewalling where they act like you don’t exist and this can be a form of emotional torture.

The gaslighting is probably the biggest one here though, and this is when a perpetrator will tell you your feelings aren’t correct, or twist everything that you say or may project their own behaviour onto yourself…which can be very confusing. They will also lie, even fake their own emotions to get you to doubt your own thoughts – that’s the objective…for you to doubt yourself, so you can’t see past the lies and games and lose trust in your own judgements.

So how do you know for sure if it’s emotional abuse? And if it is, how on earth do you overcome it?

  1. Collect as much evidence as possible; try to make a note of conversations and how they react when you bring up feelings or anything you want to discuss which may cause some conflict.
  2. DON’T REACT! They may do any of the above techniques to try and throw you off but you must watch and observe for patterns. After a few weeks you will know for sure.
  3. So overcoming it is a difficult one – once someone knows they can manipulate you, they will always chose to do it because they enjoy the power! So this is where you decide if you want to continue in the relationship or know that you deserve better.
  4. If you chose to stay, then the only advice I can give you is to stay safe and try to remain as sane as possible…set boundaries but know that no perpetrator will like boundaries because it means they lose control of you and the relationship.
  5. Be aware of how anyone (partner or friend/family) interacts with you, what their patterns are, if they have to deal with conflict, can you tell them anything without any of the above reactions?
  6. Lastly, don’t allow anyone to control and manipulate your thoughts, listen to your gut and the more you see the patterns around you, the more you will start to believe in yourself more and the guilt will slowly start to dissolve…

I hope this helped. Please subscribe and share with anyone you think might find this useful and connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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I don’t think I am strong enough to leave my abuser!

Posted on by healwithsanita

So many people tell me this…they say they don’t think they are strong enough to leave…or that they don’t think they would survive alone after they leave.

I am not here to tell you to leave your partner but I can explain a few things as to why you are feeling conflicted…

Survival mode versus logical thinking

You are currently in survival mode and not thinking logically, due to all the abuse you have endured, so your survival brain is saying you are not strong enough… but your logical brain would tell you the following: you lived a life before this person, right? So you can absolutely live without them! It may be hard, as you may miss them at first, but you can leave and survive (trust me, I have left and am now thriving).

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Loss of confidence in yourself

You have been brainwashed into not believing your own logic and thoughts, and instead the voice that says you can’t leave is not your voice…it’s your perpetrator’s voice. It’s months and years of emotional and psychological abuse making you lose your confidence and self worth! So you can absolutely leave and THRIVE and be ok. It will be a journey, but you are way stronger than you think! You have just been brainwashed and conditioned to think you are weak!

Breaking the trauma bond

You are subconsciously addicted to the abuse…I know it’s actually crazy, but true!! It’s something we call the trauma bond, which makes leaving a perpetrator so damn difficult (trust me, I know – I have been there too). The bond can be broken, it just means you need to know why you are leaving your abuser and what the consequences are of staying and what the benefits are of leaving. Once you know these, you then need a solid period of time away from them with no contact (not with any intention to go back to them). Then you can start to chip away at the trauma bond and pour back into yourself. Easier said than done, but it can absolutely be done!

Please know that the last thing your abuser wants is for you to leave, because then they would lose their emotional and physical punchbag.

They will do anything to make you stay – this technique is called ‘hoovering’ – basically sucking you back in again, and doing and saying all the things you want them to do/say…but it’s funny how they only do this when they know you are close to leaving. So be mindful of their ‘hoovering’ techniques.

So please know you are way stronger than you know, and please stop repeating the negative things you say about yourself…instead be kind to yourself!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

How do I know if they are really sorry?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Has your partner done something to hurt you or have they physically hurt you? Have they called you degrading names or insults? Put you down, gaslighted you so you feel mentally exhausted in trying to tell them how you feel or do you just simply feel like complete shit after anytime you try and express your opinion on their behaviour?


I know the feeling; I was in an abusive marriage myself and often my perpetrator would do grand gestures after his malicious behaviour, which would make me think he was actually sorry…But how can you really know if they are sorry or not? Because, let’s be honest, they say it a fair few times but keep doing the hurtful actions?

Here are some tips to know if the perpetrator is really sorry:

1. They take full responsibility

So without being prompted by yourself, they own up to what they have done and genuinely show remorse – I don’t mean just saying the words ‘I am sorry’….because we all know that can be bullshit.


What I mean is seeing if they can be sorry without any excuses or justifying. For example, perpetrators who are NOT SORRY would say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry but you know I get triggered when I drink alcohol, it just makes me angry’, or they would say ‘I am sorry but if you didn’t upset me, then none of this would have happened’.

If it’s genuine remorse, then they say sorry regardless, with NO EXCUSES OR JUSTIFICATION.

2. They accept the consequences

This means that they accept their partner (you) might be upset or angry and will need some time to come round. Your partner would understand that you would need time and that this is normal.

A perpetrator would not allow their partner to be upset and would actually want to punish them further for taking the time to be upset with them – because they are not sorry. Someone who is truly sorry would understand their actions have consequences.

3. They try and make amends

If your partner is trying to make amends, not by doing grand gestures like taking you on a mini break away (this is what perpetrators do), but actually trying to be more respectful to you and trying to fix the situation. Maybe fixing the item they broke, they are considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better.

Ultimately, knowing if someone is really sorry comes down to whether they keep doing the same crap again, or if they actually start treating you better after seeing the consequences of their actions.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why domestic violence / abuse victims won’t leave?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Emotional / Psychological  VS Physical Abuse

Emotional/psychological – you cannot see the abuse – its marks are invisible.

Physical abuse is one of few abuse forms which leaves a physical or visual mark.

Emotional abuse is designed to make you feel  a certain way – guilt, shame, sadness.

Physical abuse is used to make you feel scared, so that you can’t leave for your safety.

Psychological abuse is used to keep you in the dark, so you can’t see what is really happening, can’t see the abuse for what it is…

Physical Abuse is used as a punishment tool to keep you in check, so that you know not to step out of the perpetrators’ restrictions again…

Emotional abuse is about making you think the physical abuse was your fault, that you were to blame.

Physical abuse is actually the abuser in control…they always know their limits.

Psychological abuse is proof of this, as they meticulously plan their attacks which they cover up strategically with drama and fake emotions.

Abuse can be invisible and visible and is designed to keep the victim from leaving.

If you feel this content has been helpful, then please drop a comment below, or if you would like to speak to someone, please contact me on Facebook @connectingwomen2gether 

Keep smiling in the mirror and I am sending you lots of love and light!

Sanita xxx

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