Dating again? Here are 3 major red flags you must know!

Posted on by healwithsanita

You have been through the wars with your ex-partner, all the abuse, all the disrespect, the hurtful things they said and did, and now you want to date again, but not sure how…

Before I go into any details, I want you to ask yourself – do you feel like you have taken sufficient time to do some healing work before you start dating again? Do you feel ready? This is a double-edged sword, as some women jump right back into dating and some will want to stay well away from dating forever. So what I am asking is…do you feel like you have learnt from the past and you are ready to know what you deserve in a relationship?

If your answer is yes, then keep reading, as I am going to dive into 3 major red flags you must know and how to judge if the person you’re dating could be a healthy individual…

1. Everything on fast forward!

If you feel a little overwhelmed and things seem like they are moving way too fast. On the one hand you are happy, because you know where you stand with the person, but at the same time you’re not sure if it’s the pace you want…this it could be red flag.

One thing you can do to help yourself know if it is healthy or the beginnings of a toxic relationship is to allow your dating or relationship to flourish and grow on your terms. This does not mean you need to start controlling everything, but it does mean that you can control some of the pace during the dating phase and watch for their reaction. For example, if you say that you are feeling slightly overwhelmed and things are moving fast, but you like them and would like to slow things down and perhaps see each other only at the weekends as you have other commitments in the week…

A healthy response: would be someone who really likes you but would respect that things are moving a little fast and wants to slow thing down to make you feel comfortable and would respect your boundaries and work to your timelines.

An unhealthy response: would be someone who would completely disregard your feelings and would carry on at their pace, as they are deliberately trying to ‘love bomb’ you and get you to fall in love with them so they can get started with their abuse.

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2. Talking about violence.

So, they might be making jokes about violence, for example ‘Do you want a punch in the breasts?’ or they may even make jokes about violence towards others (friends or family members). Or they may even talk about their ex-partners and violence. Violence with a partner is of course a red flag, but when they say there was violence and they were the victim… it can be even more of a red flag! Sometimes what could be happening is that they are being reflective and reversing roles and providing all the correct details of the scenario but not being honest of who the victim actually was and who the perpetrator was… They are also testing your tolerance to violence by making crude ‘jokes’ to see how you react.

So how can you tell for sure if someone is abusive or not if they are talking about violence?

You can set clear boundaries and state that you don’t like the violent comments or jokes and you don’t find them funny. You can also ask more questions about the violent ex-partner and specifically what they have learnt from their ex-partner to not be in that situation again?

Healthy response: generally speaking, healthy individuals are happy to respect boundaries and once they understand what is a limit for you, they would stop. They would be calm about the situation and want to put you first and make you feel comfortable in the relationship. In regards to the ‘violence comments with the ex-partner’, the healthy response would be that they have learnt from the situation…

Unhealthy response: An abuser would generally react negatively any time there is a boundary being put on them… they would not want to accept the boundary and they would keep speaking of violence jokes/violence or make out that you are overreacting/overly sensitive. They may even deny ever saying the joke. They may even start getting angry at you for trying to set boundaries. In regards to the ‘ex-partner and violence’, there would be no learnings, or they would try and change the subject, or avoid answering any more questions, or they would get angry, or they could even fake some emotions to make you believe them…so only time will tell when their reactions come out.

3. Prince Charming or Mr Angry?

Your partner has mood swings, like dramatic mood swings, you might feel like you’re not sure where you stand with them, as one minute they are incredibly loving and kind, and the next minute they are being aggressive, angry, shouting, walking out etc? Well, this could also be a red flag!

There are ways to tell if the person is actually abusive or not though…You can watch the behavioural patterns – is it consistent patterns of up and down? Also when are their moods swings coming in? Are they coming in when they don’t get their own way?

Healthy response: They are actually charming, caring, and nice consistently over a period of time like 6 months or a year (they may get upset but we are all human). There is consistency in their actions and behaviours which show they are caring and want the best for you. The individual does not want to control the relationship or yourself…

Unhealthy response: The abuser is overly sweet and charming, but then is totally inconsistent by then going cold on you and not responding to your messages, etc. They keep showing up to your house or work (perhaps even after setting a boundary). They are sweet and kind for the first 3 months and then after that things start going downhill and don’t return to that same level…the reason being is that ‘love bombing’ is not sustainable and it is their true self trying to come out over time. The first 3 months is fake love and attention. Generally speaking, you may be feeling confused from the ongoing whiplash from the mood swings, not knowing what you are going to get from him or what mood he will be in and you won’t feel like you are able to talk to them about this, as they will create more drama.

This is not an exhaustive list of red flag behaviour, please subscribe to be notified of more posts with this information. Sometimes abusive individuals can be very deceptive, so could even give a healthy response and also a healthy person can be triggered and react negatively sometimes, so look for consistent patterns across time and take things slowly.

I wish you success in your dating – please subscribe for more and keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why is dating so hard after abuse?

Posted on by healwithsanita

After abuse, dating just seems like a complete freaking minefield…there are so many narcissists out there! Not only that, if you aren’t dodging the narcissists, then you are trying to avoid the people who just want sex and no commitment! It’s like a battlefield and you are simply trying to see if there are any healthy people left out there who actually want to be in a relationship!

I left an abusive marriage and thought that I would never trust a man again…but I learnt to (please see previous post for help on trusting a man again ) and now I live an amazing life with a healthy man. Now I want to help all women receive this guidance which I didn’t have whilst navigating through the mess and healing….because I realised there is not much help out there on this topic!

Something huge I have learnt is that me and YOU were wired, literally hard wired to attract an abusive man again…because of several factors (childhood trauma, cultural influence, societal pressures, and low sense of self-worth).

So the problem is that YOU are accustomed to being love bombed! What this means is that because you have previously had an abusive relationship, you are so used to having so much fake affection, love and attention being thrown at you. This fake love and attention gets you thinking ‘Wow, this guy tells me where he stands with me and I like it!’ ….The reason why you may like it, or why your nervous system likes it, is because it soothes childhood abandonment and rejection issues. So, your brain thinks ‘Wow what a great guy who can show me love and affection and give me the attention I need.’ – please note that abusers (male or female) can spot your needs and adapt their love bombing to make anyone feel special in a space of a few weeks.

So, let’s say when you try and date a HEALTHY MAN, things don’t go quite like you expect or plan, because ALL YOU ARE USED TO IS ABUSE! So when they don’t send you 15 messages in 1 day, or send you flowers to your home, or turn up unexpectedly at your house or work, or when they don’t confess their undying love for you in 2 weeks, you might be questioning if they are even into you! Because healthy men take things much slower, so this will feel unfamiliar, because you are not used to it!

Unresolved abandonment issues + A lack of love bombing (a healthy slow love) = Not knowing where you stand >>> Sabotaging the healthy relationship!

So the whole reason why you may struggle to attract healthy men is because you might still be expecting/wanting the unhealthy traits of abusive men. It sounds crazy, I know!

I know this might seem like a hard pill to swallow, because right now you thinking this is incorrect! Well, it’s technically not you…it’s actually your subconscious which is familiar with love bombing and wants the familiarity. When a healthy person comes along, it feels all unfamiliar and your brain says ‘Let’s sabotage this, because something different feels weird’!

So what can you do to help yourself find a healthy love?

> Start by doing things that are uncomfortable or take you out of your comfort zone – this will start building your confidence!

> Start looking at healthy relationship dynamics in others around, what do you see that perhaps you are unfamiliar with?

> Know your worth…what traits and behaviours do you actually want the healthy individual to have? This will get you thinking about what you do and don’t want and help shape what is acceptable for you.

If you would like more tips on dating and relationships, please do subscribe below…and remember to keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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This trauma response could be costing you a healthy, loving relationship!

Posted on by healwithsanita

This trauma response nearly cost me my relationship! So, for those of you who are new to this blog, please know that I speak from experience. I went through abuse, left the relationship, healed and still healing, and now helping others to heal from their traumas, so they can live their best life, attract healthy love and be at peace with themselves…

When I was with my abusive ex I would be ‘stonewalled’ all the time (this is a form of psychological abuse designed to punish a victim by shutting them out – physically, emotionally and psychologically). This meant I could go days, sometimes weeks without being able to speak to him. Please see previous post on this. It meant that if I tried to talk to him, I would receive either physical abuse or be completely ignored, like I didn’t exist. It would be so painful to endure because I would just want to talk it out and he would sometimes disappear for days on end and I would have no clue where he was, if he was ok, if he was coming back home or not. If this sounds familiar, then please know that it is used as a form of punishment to gain power and control over a person.

Anyways…what I am trying to get to is the trauma response! So now I am in a healthy and happy relationship and it has taken a lot of healing to get here but I wanted to share something I experience which I think can really help if you are dating healthy men. If you are not sure how to navigate dating, click here on my post about how to trust a man again.

So stonewalling creates a cycle in a victim to believe she is being punished if she doesn’t get a response from a person because of the trauma which was hard wired into her from the past… so when a healthy person friend or romantic partner doesn’t message you back right away or doesn’t call you back for hours or sometimes days, it can make your trauma think that you did something wrong…

Your trauma will completely fixate on the fact that the person hasn’t messaged you and you may start feeling like you are unloved, uncared for, not thought about or even being punished, so your mind will start racing through the things you thought you may have done…or you may start to think that you are being abused again.

What I learnt from my experiences…

>I still had unresolved trauma which I needed to work on…
>I needed to communicate my feelings with my partner, so he could help support my healing…
>I needed to understand the root cause of these feelings…
>Our partners are not at fault – they might trigger you, but the trauma response lies within yourself…

So what can YOU DO to help heal from this trauma?

>Try and go back to your childhood or your last abusive relationship and understand what behaviours from others triggered these uncertain or negative feelings?


>Write down how you feel in the moment of these periods of uncertainty and what these feelings are essentially costing you in your life right now. Is the trauma response stopping you from dating? Or finding dating hard? Or is it that you feel like you can’t commit to a person? Or you are sabotaging healthy relationships? What is it really costing you in your life?


>Write down what you need to tell yourself in the moment when these feelings pop up again. For example…I tell myself that ‘I am loved and my partner is just busy and he will message me when he gets a minute. My partner is a kind soul and would never dream of punishing me’.


>Write down an action plan of things you can do to reverse the feelings…so what can you do that makes you happy and makes you feel confident that perhaps you can do for yourself in the moment?


>Have a think and see if there are any other trauma responses which could be popping up during
this phase of your life that you might want to start looking into?

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the love and success in your relationships moving forwards.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Here are 5 tips on how not to react to your narcissistic ex-partner!

Posted on by healwithsanita

You left them but somehow they are still getting to you? Either it’s through the divorce or through the children, or just simply they find a way to contact you and trigger you…

You might be thinking: “Haven’t I gone through enough with this guy or girl? Why won’t they just leave me alone?” Is it not enough that they controlled you for such a period of time that they still want to try and manipulate you after you have left too?

Yes, I totally get it! I have been there and reacted with the same emotions of anger, depression, days of crying and upset, frustration, sheer annoyance and also a pinch of anxiety, too….and what I can tell you is that it is A GAME for them, they love playing the reaction game, they love playing the control game, and they love winning.

So screw this! I am going to help YOU win for once! The winning equates to you not reacting and not giving YOUR POWER away to these narcissistic beings!

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1. Tip number 1 is to breathe!

This might sound crazy, but we cannot control the narcissist, but what I can teach you to do is help you control your own reactions towards them and also your own thoughts and feelings towards the overall situation. Breathwork can calm your entire body and nervous system; it actually reduces your blood pressure and reduces the stress hormone in your body. If you don’t know how to do breathwork, then please keep reading and I will drop some links. Breathwork helps you instantaneously lose the feelings of anxiety and depression and frustration…it has helped me so much!

2. Remember you can love and be loved back!

Tip number 2 is to remember that they don’t know how to love, and we don’t want to hate them, but feel sorry for them, because you actually have the capacity to love people and receive love from others…Abusive people are incapable, so it doesn’t matter if they moved on or not, you know deep down that the next person will go through the same trauma as you…so instead, focus on the fact that you are healthy and can love others and will find someone to love in the future!

3. Physically move your body!

So when the narcissist makes a move in this game that he is playing, they win by getting you to show your upset reactions… So when they make the move, you would need to go straight into doing an activity such as physically exercise or some breathwork…it doesn’t have to be going to the gym and and having a complex, heavy weight regime! No…all I mean is move your body – walk, run, swim…maybe do some jump squats or some rope skipping in your garden. This will release endorphins and make you feel way better. I would say if you are able to, then do something more intense and it will help release more of the happy hormones. Then make any decisions you need to after you are in a different state of mind…repeating this will create a habit.

4. Focus on what you want for your life!

Know that every time you allow the narcissist to get to you, you are allowing him to take you away from the vibrational energy and emotion you need to attract what you want in your life. Meditate and visualise what you want, instead of worrying & giving all your energy to someone you chose to leave (it just takes patience and practice).

5. Remember everything that you already have in your life.

Yes, life is unfair, and yes, we got the short straw with the ex-narcissists, but when I left my ex, I was very grateful for a roof over my head, food in the fridge, the fact I had my health, I had legs, and I could walk, and also the fact that I WAS FREE and no longer controlled…I could do whatever I wanted! Gratitude is a powerful practice and it can help you attract more to your life.

Life isn’t that bad when separating from a narcissistic partner. I am not saying you can’t be upset, it’s ok to be upset in the moment, we do react in the moment…but then we have a choice to do something that will help you feel good (like the 5 points above), or we can allow the ex to win and we give our power away…we allow them to have control over our emotions, even when we have left them!

Here are some additional information and resources which might help:

Meditation links:
https://youtu.be/VaN36LGLh4I
https://youtu.be/6wzPKoeguw8

Breathwork links:
https://youtu.be/qlTC2HBmPeM
https://youtu.be/zmn_7wr0Pk4
https://youtu.be/0BNejY1e9ik

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Going to court with an ex- Narcissist? Here are 5 tips to help!

Posted on by healwithsanita

Why is it that these abusive people get away with their ways in court, by playing the victim? It’s crazy how they will play the system and use it to abuse you even more…like everything they have already done to you wasn’t enough! I have been on this journey, too and I initially found it very frustrating trying to manage my reactions and emotions with my abusive ex-husband… so I want to share 5 tips on ‘How to deal with a narcissist in, during or after court.’

Firstly, what you have to know is that your ex-partner is deeply hurt that you left the relationship, not necessarily because of their love for you, (which might sound very hurtful), but they tend to be more upset about their ego getting bruised with you leaving them…they basically feel abandoned and rejected after losing their sense of power over you.

Their primary goal now is to hurt you back, to make you feel the pain they are feeling and they will try and make life as difficult as possible for you…we call this ‘post-separation abuse’.

Divorcing anyone who has been abusive previously in a relationship can become challenging because the ex-partner is accustomed to having power and control over you and the relationship. So what this means is they will try their very best to control the divorce, custody of children, and seize any joint assets and enjoy using the legal system against you to make you feel powerless, depressed, exhausted and damn right just fed-up with it all!

How a narcissist will try to control you

You need to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride because these narcissists will go above and beyond to try and hurt you, and I want you to be prepared because I know from previous experience that when you are not prepared, it upsets and shocks you even more… so here are a few things that they might do to try and obtain power and control over your emotions:

>File false allegations against you;
>Refuse to respond to any offers you make on assets outside or even in court;
>They may even defend the divorce just to increase legal costs for you;
>Threats they will go for full custody if you do not return to the relationship;
>Claim you are on drugs or an unfit mother in some way to spark investigations;
>Persuade your own family/friends that you are the abusive one;
>Bring fraudulent documents into court to claim 100% asset ownership;
>Bear face lie in court and create stories about you (defamation);
>Play the victim role so well in court, so you have little to no credibility;
>Legally represent themselves just so they can even cross examine you.

The above are just some of the twisted things these abusive people do, just so they can continue to punish, hurt and control you…it’s not fair, it’s not nice and it’s still abuse!

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5 steps to navigating a divorce with an abuser

What I would like to do now is show you how to navigate through this period, and please know if you do have a divorce or financial dispute with assets, that it may take a few years to resolve, with the help of courts, depending on how crazy your ex-partner is and how much they can fund their lawyers…

1. Keep living your life!

I know a lot of women say they can’t date or do anything because of court dates/divorce or because of their ex….NOOO, please continue to live your life! THIS is exactly what they want, they want you to be curled up in a dark corner somewhere, miserable as hell! What you can do to help yourself is start to live your life and know that you will…and can get through it all…because you survived being with your ex (and that was bad enough), so you can survive anything! You are free now, so enjoy your freedom!

2. Don’t react!

They want a reaction, they want you to be miserable and they want you to contact them! They think you are still the same version of yourself who was in the relationship and we both know you evolved to know your worth, which is why you left! By not reacting, it shows them that you are a different person now and they can’t get to you! The best way to deal with an ex abusive partner is to allow a third party to be the buffer between you (whether it be a friend or a solicitor), and you remove all direct contact with them.

3. Visualise the process being done!

What I mean by this is, keep visualising what YOU DO WANT, rather than focusing on the worry and fear of what he/she might do next…easier said than done, I know! I remember when I had no money, my ex was doing EVERYTHING to stop me from getting my share of the joint house and I wanted to just cry everyday but what REALLY helped me was to keep meditating and visualising me being done with courts/lawyers and the EX! I kept visualising what life would look like after court was done, after I didn’t have to pay out to lawyers anymore…how I would feel, what I would be doing, etc. Honestly, this helped me stay sane, otherwise the alternative was to focus on the worry, fear, and unfairness of the whole damn situation and honestly, that didn’t work for me. In fact, it just made me sick instead. I strongly advise getting into the daily practice of meditating and visualising your life after this struggle.

4. Have faith!

Yes, it is so easy to go into panic mode and feel like everything is a mess in your life and it’s all going to shit! Life is over, and your ex might be financially draining you, and you might have no clue how to get through each day….This was me! This was probably my toughest period in life so far, having taken out several loans to pay my legal fees and what helped me in the end (it took me 3 years to realise) was to have faith that everything was going to be ok. Easier said than done, because you gotta think about a different reality to the one you are living in…Keep telling yourself everyday that God/Universe/Higher power has got you and won’t let you fall. Keep repeating this to yourself multiple times a day until you start believing it! Trust me, it will start sinking in!

5. You were chosen!

Please know YOU were chosen, YOU were selected by some higher power to take your ex on, to show him/her that abuse is not okay, to show them that you aren’t afraid to walk away and know you deserve more. YOU were the one chosen to teach them a lesson… to show that you are strong and stronger than them! That it had to be you to take them through the court and leave them, because maybe another woman wasn’t strong enough to do this…so please know you are not in this situation by accident or because you made a mistake a few years ago…it was all part of a process to make you realise how powerful you actually are and to tap into your inner divine self-belief!

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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    When you know it’s abuse but you can’t bring yourself to leave

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    It feels horrendous, you feel so unloved, sometimes he beats you or even worse – he mentally degrades you until you feel worthless….but it’s all worth staying for, because there are glimpses of love, flashes of hope that he can change, and when he is being good, it’s pretty damn wonderful, right?

    Yes, I know, because I once was in an abusive relationship and I know how it feels to have the bipolar love and I also know the reasons why you may be choosing to stay in the relationship…please, don’t feel judged if you are choosing to stay.

    What I would like to do is just share a few of the main reasons as to why us ‘women’ stay (yes, I am fully aware women can be abusive too, however, this post is dedicated to abused women).

    So here are the 2 reasons (there are several reasons, but all in all it boils down to these 2 reasons) at the core:

    1. Your level of self worth
    2. Feelings of loss/Never have this again

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    The only way you will ever leave a relationship, regardless if it is abusive or not, is if you change how you feel about either your sense of self-worth, meaning that you believe you deserve more. Or secondly that you stop believing that you are losing something by walking away or stop the self- sabotaging thoughts that you will ‘never have’ something again. I know I used to think that I would ‘never have a relationship like this again’, I would ‘never have a love like this again’, ‘never get married again’, and quite frankly I was talking so much bullshit! Well, actually…I never did have an abusive relationship again, so maybe I was right when I said I would never have a relationship like this again.

    My point is that until you believe you are worthy and deserving of more love, your subconscious will sabotage you from leaving and until you believe that you will actually ‘gain’ from leaving, rather than ‘losing’ from leaving, your subconscious will again sabotage any attempts at leaving.

    This may be why you have attempted to leave in the past, but please know, if you have attempted to leave, then this is great and it means that you are getting closer to leaving for good. On average it takes domestic violence victims 6-7 attempts to leave before they leave permanently.

    Whether you choose to stay or leave, I hope you know that this blog was no accident, your prayers were answered and it was sent to you in a time of need!

    Please know that you are deserving, you are beautiful, and if you choose to leave, you will heal and find a pure genuine love, if you allow yourself to.

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

    Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

    Will I ever be able to trust a man again?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    Have you been burnt by an abusive relationship in the past? Feeling a little paranoid that every man is toxic now? Have you created a little safe haven which only consists of you, yourself and I? Fearing that if you date, it will mean getting abused again?


    I totally understand what you might be feeling…that it’s hard to trust any man again after being tormented and abused , either physically or emotionally… you finally plucked up the courage to leave and now the thought of making the same mistake again and going through it all again is enough to make you feel sick.

    You might be feeling like:


    Single life = safe life

    Relationships = pain and heartbreak


    …but it doesn’t have to be that way…

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    Firstly, it is totally understandable to be feeling this way right after leaving a toxic relationship. My concern is when I see women after 2 years, 5 years, 11 years after their relationship ended, who are still too fearful to move on…if this is you, this post is for you!


    I see these women desperately want a loving relationship, yet they still find themselves in this inner conflict of fighting the process of dating or simply self sabotaging because they don’t believe they are worth it. If you are feeling this conflict within yourself of wanting a partner but also wanting to run away from the thought of a relationship, then maybe these 8 steps will help you.

    8 Steps on how to be open to love again:

    1. How do you feel about romantic relationships in general? Make note if this is positive or negative, and why that might be….really dig deep within yourself to get the answers.

    2. Understand what you want from a relationship. What activities would you like to do, how would you have fun? How would you spend time together? The more specific you can get, the better.

    3. What qualities and attributes would you prefer to have in your ideal partner? Don’t just say someone nice or someone not abusive…You have to be specific! Make a list of things that would make getting into a relationship unbelievably exciting! Think about the dream person, however unrealistic it may seem right now – write down all the attributes they would have…e.g a great communicator, they see women as equals to men, their love language is
    quality time and they want to spend time with me…

    4. Find a relationship role model- a couple who have a healthy and happy relationship already (healthy meaning they show gratitude for one another, they can clearly communicate their feelings, they put each other’s needs first) and make notes as to what they do differently to other couples. If you don’t have a role model, then sit down and think about what you would see as an ideal relationship instead.

    5. Hopefully by this point you will start to see that relationships don’t equal pain, and that a lot of good can come from a relationship. You can start taking small actions like being open to a date, downloading a dating app and seeing where the world takes you!

    6. Take things super slow! If you are scared of attracting another abuser, then all you have to do is take things slow and on your terms and if anyone gets angry or tries to move fast, then you know that it’s generally not a good sign (red flag). Little tip here is make sure you are the one calling the shots, like where and when you will be meeting in the early stages…perpetrators prefer control, so they would make it obvious that they wouldn’t like this approach.

    7. If you are trying to date but are perhaps self-sabotaging because you are finding all men unattractive…know that not being attracted to a man initially is good and that you are winning! Normally it’s our ego who is attracted to people and I know in the past I was certainly looking for tall, dark and handsome, but as a healed woman, I know it’s not these factors which are important. So, if we are not initially attracted, this can be a good sign, as it allows for us to fall in love with a person’s personality instead; it allows us to build an emotional connection and room for him to chase you too!

    8. Listen to your gut! If you gut is saying it’s familiar, then RUN! If your gut is saying it feels unfamiliar, then it’s probably healthy and stick with it!

    The more you self-love and believe there is a good, pure intentioned soul out there for you, the more you will be able to see the frogs from the princes.

    One date at a time…

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

    Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

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    When will my divorce end? Why is it never ending?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    Has your court case been going on for TOO LONG? Do you feel like your ex husband is utilising the legal system to further abuse you? Does it feel like the process of divorce is never ending?

    If yes is the answer to any of the above, then please know you are not alone and then know this:


    This experience is making you a stronger person and also is setting you up for the rest of your life!

    Divorce is making you stronger

    How so? Because the greater our enemy, the greater we become….so really the joke is on your abusive ex-husband/partner…they are making you into the Queen you truly are. They are helping you with the following:

    1. Becoming more emotionally resilient. Let’s be honest – if you can handle them and their abuse, then you can handle anything that comes at you in life.
    2. Becoming more patient because if it was up to us, we would have completed the process so much quicker and more efficiently, but this process is teaching you patience which will serve you in a later stage or project in your life.
    3. Becoming more confident by simply going through this process, as you may have had to go to court, legally represent yourself in court, the constant stress of dealing with solicitors/attorneys and the legal system. Look back for a second and see how far you have come and how much you have grown…

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    Although I just referred to the ex as the enemy, they really aren’t the enemy, instead they are our greatest teacher by helping us learn more and more about ourselves, which can help us in future relationships, future businesses, future parenting and just life in general!


    Something else that people might not tell you is that you are actually crushing your ex abusive partner’s confidence and ego by simply leaving them in the first place and so all the fighting they are doing in or out of court is to try and get you back! It’s because they are hurting! They are not happy! They are trying to redeem their own ego! Crazy, I know, right?

    Divine timing

    But let me leave you with this…please know you were chosen for this battle because some higher power knew you would get through it, because it knew you were the one strong enough to stand up and endure and get through it.

    You reading this is no accident – this message was sent to you in divine timing, so I hope you know that you are stronger than you think and you are serving women all around the world by not only leaving an abusive partner, but being brave enough to stay away too.

      I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

      Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

      Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

      Sanita xxx

      I don’t think I am strong enough to leave my abuser!

      Posted on by healwithsanita

      So many people tell me this…they say they don’t think they are strong enough to leave…or that they don’t think they would survive alone after they leave.

      I am not here to tell you to leave your partner but I can explain a few things as to why you are feeling conflicted…

      Survival mode versus logical thinking

      You are currently in survival mode and not thinking logically, due to all the abuse you have endured, so your survival brain is saying you are not strong enough… but your logical brain would tell you the following: you lived a life before this person, right? So you can absolutely live without them! It may be hard, as you may miss them at first, but you can leave and survive (trust me, I have left and am now thriving).

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      Loss of confidence in yourself

      You have been brainwashed into not believing your own logic and thoughts, and instead the voice that says you can’t leave is not your voice…it’s your perpetrator’s voice. It’s months and years of emotional and psychological abuse making you lose your confidence and self worth! So you can absolutely leave and THRIVE and be ok. It will be a journey, but you are way stronger than you think! You have just been brainwashed and conditioned to think you are weak!

      Breaking the trauma bond

      You are subconsciously addicted to the abuse…I know it’s actually crazy, but true!! It’s something we call the trauma bond, which makes leaving a perpetrator so damn difficult (trust me, I know – I have been there too). The bond can be broken, it just means you need to know why you are leaving your abuser and what the consequences are of staying and what the benefits are of leaving. Once you know these, you then need a solid period of time away from them with no contact (not with any intention to go back to them). Then you can start to chip away at the trauma bond and pour back into yourself. Easier said than done, but it can absolutely be done!

      Please know that the last thing your abuser wants is for you to leave, because then they would lose their emotional and physical punchbag.

      They will do anything to make you stay – this technique is called ‘hoovering’ – basically sucking you back in again, and doing and saying all the things you want them to do/say…but it’s funny how they only do this when they know you are close to leaving. So be mindful of their ‘hoovering’ techniques.

      So please know you are way stronger than you know, and please stop repeating the negative things you say about yourself…instead be kind to yourself!

      I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

      Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

      Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

      Sanita xxx

      Why do you feel like you aren’t enough?

      Posted on by healwithsanita

      You feel like you can’t look in the mirror at your own reflection? You feel like no matter what you wear, you will still feel the same about your body…When the promotion comes up at work, you won’t even bother applying because you feel like you wouldn’t get it or even if you did get it, you would mess it up entirely? You feel like you aren’t quite worthy of being loved fully…

      You may even feel like you are a failing in life…like it doesn’t matter what you do, you are faced with these feelings like you won’t ever be enough??

      If this is you, then get comfy because I have some news for you!

      It’s not your fault that you feel like this, and you can absolutely change the feeling to feeling MORE THAN enough instead!

      So listen up!

      You have been conditioned to think you are not enough!

      Firstly, the reasons why you feel so shitty are the following:

      1. Family
      2. Society/culture
      3. Potentially your Partner too

      Family and partner may not do this intentionally (unless they are abusive or controlling, of course – then it’s absolutely intentional).

      When you were born, you never actually had any feelings of unworthiness; that ‘belief’ has only come about because of childhood conditioning. For example, being told at school that your homework wasn’t good enough or by simply not getting your parents’ approval for something can turn into feeling that you are not good enough!

      So, we condition ourselves to feel like this, which is only then cemented by society and certain cultures which points out we should dress a certain way, cook, clean, be mums, wives, career minded and run the damn house at the same time…I mean seriously, it’s enough for anyone to think they weren’t enough.

      A partner in your life is also very influential, so if they are not empowering you, then it’s likely that your confidence may dwindle.

      So what can you do about it?

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      How can you make yourself more confident, feeling like you are enough?

      1. LEAVE the NEGATIVITY at the door – don’t allow anyone to talk down at you, set boundaries with friends/family/partners! In order to do this, you must be aware of who is making you feel positive and who is making you feel negative.
      1. Hang out with the inspiring ones, so the more you hang about with positive people who empower you..the more you will believe in yourself too! Confidence is contagious!
      2. Affirmations! This is not BS!! This can actually work but you can’t outright lie to yourself. You can’t go from feeling crappy about yourself, beating yourself up, to then saying ‘I am a queen who is worthy of everything great coming to me’…your mind will think it’s a lie instantaneously! Even though it is absolutely so true….So you got to be smart about it and trick your mind into believing something small and working your way up from there…like saying ‘I am day by day increasing my self esteem and having the confidence to try new things’. Please know that affirmations only work when you repeat them several times a day for several months, because you are reconditioning your mind and eventually your mind will start believing.

      I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

      Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

      Sanita xxx