You have been through the wars with your ex-partner, all the abuse, all the disrespect, the hurtful things they said and did, and now you want to date again, but not sure how…
Before I go into any details, I want you to ask yourself – do you feel like you have taken sufficient time to do some healing work before you start dating again? Do you feel ready? This is a double-edged sword, as some women jump right back into dating and some will want to stay well away from dating forever. So what I am asking is…do you feel like you have learnt from the past and you are ready to know what you deserve in a relationship?
If your answer is yes, then keep reading, as I am going to dive into 3 major red flags you must know and how to judge if the person you’re dating could be a healthy individual…
1. Everything on fast forward!
If you feel a little overwhelmed and things seem like they are moving way too fast. On the one hand you are happy, because you know where you stand with the person, but at the same time you’re not sure if it’s the pace you want…this it could be red flag.
One thing you can do to help yourself know if it is healthy or the beginnings of a toxic relationship is to allow your dating or relationship to flourish and grow on your terms. This does not mean you need to start controlling everything, but it does mean that you can control some of the pace during the dating phase and watch for their reaction. For example, if you say that you are feeling slightly overwhelmed and things are moving fast, but you like them and would like to slow things down and perhaps see each other only at the weekends as you have other commitments in the week…
A healthy response: would be someone who really likes you but would respect that things are moving a little fast and wants to slow thing down to make you feel comfortable and would respect your boundaries and work to your timelines.
An unhealthy response: would be someone who would completely disregard your feelings and would carry on at their pace, as they are deliberately trying to ‘love bomb’ you and get you to fall in love with them so they can get started with their abuse.
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2. Talking about violence.
So, they might be making jokes about violence, for example ‘Do you want a punch in the breasts?’ or they may even make jokes about violence towards others (friends or family members). Or they may even talk about their ex-partners and violence. Violence with a partner is of course a red flag, but when they say there was violence and they were the victim… it can be even more of a red flag! Sometimes what could be happening is that they are being reflective and reversing roles and providing all the correct details of the scenario but not being honest of who the victim actually was and who the perpetrator was… They are also testing your tolerance to violence by making crude ‘jokes’ to see how you react.
So how can you tell for sure if someone is abusive or not if they are talking about violence?
You can set clear boundaries and state that you don’t like the violent comments or jokes and you don’t find them funny. You can also ask more questions about the violent ex-partner and specifically what they have learnt from their ex-partner to not be in that situation again?
Healthy response: generally speaking, healthy individuals are happy to respect boundaries and once they understand what is a limit for you, they would stop. They would be calm about the situation and want to put you first and make you feel comfortable in the relationship. In regards to the ‘violence comments with the ex-partner’, the healthy response would be that they have learnt from the situation…
Unhealthy response: An abuser would generally react negatively any time there is a boundary being put on them… they would not want to accept the boundary and they would keep speaking of violence jokes/violence or make out that you are overreacting/overly sensitive. They may even deny ever saying the joke. They may even start getting angry at you for trying to set boundaries. In regards to the ‘ex-partner and violence’, there would be no learnings, or they would try and change the subject, or avoid answering any more questions, or they would get angry, or they could even fake some emotions to make you believe them…so only time will tell when their reactions come out.
3. Prince Charming or Mr Angry?
Your partner has mood swings, like dramatic mood swings, you might feel like you’re not sure where you stand with them, as one minute they are incredibly loving and kind, and the next minute they are being aggressive, angry, shouting, walking out etc? Well, this could also be a red flag!
There are ways to tell if the person is actually abusive or not though…You can watch the behavioural patterns – is it consistent patterns of up and down? Also when are their moods swings coming in? Are they coming in when they don’t get their own way?
Healthy response: They are actually charming, caring, and nice consistently over a period of time like 6 months or a year (they may get upset but we are all human). There is consistency in their actions and behaviours which show they are caring and want the best for you. The individual does not want to control the relationship or yourself…
Unhealthy response: The abuser is overly sweet and charming, but then is totally inconsistent by then going cold on you and not responding to your messages, etc. They keep showing up to your house or work (perhaps even after setting a boundary). They are sweet and kind for the first 3 months and then after that things start going downhill and don’t return to that same level…the reason being is that ‘love bombing’ is not sustainable and it is their true self trying to come out over time. The first 3 months is fake love and attention. Generally speaking, you may be feeling confused from the ongoing whiplash from the mood swings, not knowing what you are going to get from him or what mood he will be in and you won’t feel like you are able to talk to them about this, as they will create more drama.
This is not an exhaustive list of red flag behaviour, please subscribe to be notified of more posts with this information. Sometimes abusive individuals can be very deceptive, so could even give a healthy response and also a healthy person can be triggered and react negatively sometimes, so look for consistent patterns across time and take things slowly.
I wish you success in your dating – please subscribe for more and keep smiling at her in the mirror!
Sanita xxx
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