You are NOT betraying your partner for reporting them!

Posted on by healwithsanita

The insane levels of guilt and feelings of betrayal are enough to make you think that YOU are the guilty person, even after all the abuse and everything they have done!

After a partner who you love does terrible things to you, such as acts of violence, then part of you will want to report him as it’s the right thing to do…But then the other half of you will be wondering how on earth you could do such a thing… Probably because of the sheer guilt and heaviness, your heart feels like it’s betraying him/her…

If you are feeling like this and not sure what to do, then let me, please, give you some tips which might help…

1. She/He’s done it before!

Firstly, I can almost guarantee that if your partner is being reported for domestic violence or an act of violence towards you, then it certainly is not their first time they have done this! They may or may not have a record, as most women feel what you feel and are either too scared to call the police, or feel like they can’t, because they don’t want to betray their abusers. So, by you reporting and following through, you are helping provide some kind of consequence for your ex/partner, because as it currently stands, he thinks this violent behaviour is normal and ok.

2. Stop giving approval!

Do you really want this version of love for the rest of your life? For your kids’ lives? If you don’t report him, then then the abuse continues and you will live a miserable life…by not reporting it, the abuser may take your silence as approval of the abuse and may think that you want this abuse to continue (they have sordid minds).

3. Think about your grandchildren.

Every abuser who doesn’t get reported means that another person can fall into the trap of abuse without the warning! If we don’t report all abuse, then what chances do your future grandchildren or great grandchildren stand if there is a world of abusive people who continue their destruction without facing any consequences… if you choose to report, then you are doing your bit to make the world a better place for future generations.

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4. You are wired to feel guilty!

If you have been in an abusive relationship for any period of time, you would have been wired to feel guilty ALL THE TIME – that’s how abusers make you think everything is YOUR FAULT; that’s how they keep the fog around your eyes for so long that you can’t see the real manipulation! Please know, this is exactly how the abuser wants you to feel so he can continue his ways. It is up to you to break the pattern of guilt!

5. If it was a stranger?

Let me ask you something – if a stranger came up to you on the street and carried out the same behaviour as your ex/partner, would you be ok with it or would you report it? Or if they treated your friend in such a way? So surely your partner (the person who claims to love you) should treat you much better than a stranger, right? And if your partner doesn’t treat you better than a stranger, then what do you think you should do?

I know these points may seem a little cruel and I see that…but I also see many women who choose not to report their partner and then later immensely regret their decision…

I hope this helps you remove some of that guilt and heaviness and know that you are beautiful and you deserve a true, full, wholehearted love in your life!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Sexual abuse with adults – How do I know if there is sexual abuse in my relationship?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Sexual abuse happens in adult relationships and sometimes in marriages, too! I know a lot of people, including myself, for a long time thought sexual abuse only occurred with children but sexual abuse is actually quite common in adult relationships, too!

The problem is a lot of people (mainly women) don’t actually know they are being sexually abused…

You might be thinking, well I would know if someone tried to rape me….but actually sexual abuse, although it includes rape, can be more discrete and predominately happens in relationships or close relationships.

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Some ways to know if you are being sexually abused are:

  • If you’re made to feel guilty, so you are coerced into having sex;
  • Your partner uses your past against you, so you feel like you must have sex with them;
  • You are made to feel like you aren’t being a good enough sexual partner;
  • Or your partner just exhausts you at night, so you just give up and give in even when you don’t want to
  • Or you may just find him on top of you during the night.

The problem is that we just don’t talk about sex…and because of that, sexual abuse goes under the radar so easily because perpetrators know that their victims won’t ever talk about it…let alone know that it is even a form of abuse!

Sexual abuse: definition

Sexual abuse: When a partner is wanting to have sex and using guilt, coercive control, playing mind games to manipulate their victim or simply using intimidation to get sex, even when their partner voices they do not want to!

  • Sexual abuse is another way of exerting power and control for the perpetrator;
  • Sexual abuse and assault can happen within a marriage, and relationships – this means wives and partners can be rape victims, too;
  • Perpetrators often believe it’s their male right to have sex when they want and on their own terms due to their entitled thinking;
  • Sexual abuse and assault can be coerced through exhaustion, guilt, fear of punishments, intimidation, and physical force;
  • Abusers can also deprive their partner of their sexual needs as a form of punishment;
  • Drugs and alcohol can be used to coerce victims into sexual acts.

The way out of sexually abusive relationships

Sexual abuse only gets worse the longer the relationship goes on…the only way to stop it is to leave the perpetrator…which is not what anyone wants to hear. I know I certainly didn’t want to hear this when I was in an abusive marriage.

Leaving is never easy but in my opinion, it’s totally worth it.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

How do I know if they are really sorry?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Has your partner done something to hurt you or have they physically hurt you? Have they called you degrading names or insults? Put you down, gaslighted you so you feel mentally exhausted in trying to tell them how you feel or do you just simply feel like complete shit after anytime you try and express your opinion on their behaviour?


I know the feeling; I was in an abusive marriage myself and often my perpetrator would do grand gestures after his malicious behaviour, which would make me think he was actually sorry…But how can you really know if they are sorry or not? Because, let’s be honest, they say it a fair few times but keep doing the hurtful actions?

Here are some tips to know if the perpetrator is really sorry:

1. They take full responsibility

So without being prompted by yourself, they own up to what they have done and genuinely show remorse – I don’t mean just saying the words ‘I am sorry’….because we all know that can be bullshit.


What I mean is seeing if they can be sorry without any excuses or justifying. For example, perpetrators who are NOT SORRY would say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry but you know I get triggered when I drink alcohol, it just makes me angry’, or they would say ‘I am sorry but if you didn’t upset me, then none of this would have happened’.

If it’s genuine remorse, then they say sorry regardless, with NO EXCUSES OR JUSTIFICATION.

2. They accept the consequences

This means that they accept their partner (you) might be upset or angry and will need some time to come round. Your partner would understand that you would need time and that this is normal.

A perpetrator would not allow their partner to be upset and would actually want to punish them further for taking the time to be upset with them – because they are not sorry. Someone who is truly sorry would understand their actions have consequences.

3. They try and make amends

If your partner is trying to make amends, not by doing grand gestures like taking you on a mini break away (this is what perpetrators do), but actually trying to be more respectful to you and trying to fix the situation. Maybe fixing the item they broke, they are considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better.

Ultimately, knowing if someone is really sorry comes down to whether they keep doing the same crap again, or if they actually start treating you better after seeing the consequences of their actions.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why domestic violence / abuse victims won’t leave?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Emotional / Psychological  VS Physical Abuse

Emotional/psychological – you cannot see the abuse – its marks are invisible.

Physical abuse is one of few abuse forms which leaves a physical or visual mark.

Emotional abuse is designed to make you feel  a certain way – guilt, shame, sadness.

Physical abuse is used to make you feel scared, so that you can’t leave for your safety.

Psychological abuse is used to keep you in the dark, so you can’t see what is really happening, can’t see the abuse for what it is…

Physical Abuse is used as a punishment tool to keep you in check, so that you know not to step out of the perpetrators’ restrictions again…

Emotional abuse is about making you think the physical abuse was your fault, that you were to blame.

Physical abuse is actually the abuser in control…they always know their limits.

Psychological abuse is proof of this, as they meticulously plan their attacks which they cover up strategically with drama and fake emotions.

Abuse can be invisible and visible and is designed to keep the victim from leaving.

If you feel this content has been helpful, then please drop a comment below, or if you would like to speak to someone, please contact me on Facebook @connectingwomen2gether 

Keep smiling in the mirror and I am sending you lots of love and light!

Sanita xxx

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