Does my partner have Bipolar?

Posted on by healwithsanita

If you are feeling like your partner behaves in ways which are just simply really mean and disgusting; if they beat you or are continuously putting you down, making you feel guilty, puts ‘blame’ onto you for a lot of the relationship problems, only seems to behave badly towards yourself but is angelic with others in public…

Are you in an abusive relationship?

If the above is all ringing true and seems familiar, then it probably means your partner is being abusive…you probably don’t want to hear that right now, but you do need to know that there is a reason why they chose you, why they only behave like this with you and not others. If you keep reading, I will answer all your questions…

Firstly, what I mean by ‘abusive’ is that your partner may be hungry for power and control and like to always be the one in the relationship who has it, which then means they will always do debilitating acts (to you or the relationship) to get their control and power over you/your relationship.

These patterns also tend to mean that they have always been like this in a relationship – it’s kind of part of their identity to be power hungry because it’s the only way they prefer…as this way gives them a lot of entitlement…i.e benefits which come with the abuse and they like feeling in control!

But I guess what you want to really know is why they picked you and why they are so abusive to you and perhaps not to other people…

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Traits abusers are looking for

The answer to this is really simple – they specifically chose you because you had some traits which were beneficial for them….traits such as ‘strong independent woman’. The strong woman doesn’t tend to show vulnerability or how she is feeling with anyone, so abusive people prefer a victim who has this trait. It means it is easier to control and manipulate without being caught out and having their true identity revealed to the public.

Another trait is ‘people pleasing’…this one is great as it means victims fall in the trap of forever trying to please their partner without ever knowing that the system is flawed and it’s designed to make you fail. There is no finish line, there is never a way to please an abusive person, as they make up the rules and continuously increase the standards. People pleasers will fall in the trap of ‘let me keep trying’ and spend many years failing to appease their partner and falling deeper under their control instead…

There are far too many of these traits for me to go into but you get the gist of things; the main issue here is really that the perpetrator is ACTUALLY INTIMIDATED BY YOU! YES, I said that right – they are jealous of what you have achieved and your empathy, your passion, your ability to love with no boundaries, your skills and attributes…and so they set out each day to break you down, one day at a time…so that you don’t really notice until you are far deep into the hands of your abuser…

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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How to change a narcissist in 6 steps?

Posted on by healwithsanita

You might be fearing that your partner has some strong narcissistic traits or you may be contemplating leaving a partner who is displaying some narcissistic traits…some days it all feels a bit too much and you don’t feel loved…

Either way, I guess what you really want to know is…How did your partner become a narcissist? How can you change them? Is there a reversal process to make them healthy and loving?

I will absolutely answer all these questions but first…

If you are experiencing a partner who has strong narcissistic traits, then please know that you are a strong, beautiful woman – there aren’t many people on this planet who can endure such punishments and abuse. I totally understand that you may not want to see it as abuse, as you may be in love with your partner and not in a position to leave them, but would rather change them….This is a position I truly understand, as I too was in the same boat and heavily researched ways to change a narcissist/abusive partner and I would like to share with you what I found and what steps you can take next…

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In order to change someone, you firstly need to be aware of what you are trying to change…

Can an abuser ever change?

  1. What are the behaviours, traits, abusive patterns that you believe are not healthy? What is it exactly that you want to change? Once you understand this, you have a clearer image of what you don’t want, which opens a path to what you do truly want.
  2. Secondly, have you voiced your concerns for all the above issues that you know are unhealthy? I am sure you have, probably on multiple occasions, and you have most likely been gaslighted, your feelings minimised, or you have faced point blank denial for any behaviour, or they may have even said the whole issue is you! If you can’t voice your feelings, then the chances of change in your partner are practically zero!
  3. Have they made any long-term changes to not do the things/behaviours that you have asked them not to do? If they have, how long have they kept up with these changes? Or did they relapse back into old ways? What this will tell you is that your partner is FULLY AWARE that you are unhappy, but they continue because they enjoy the benefits from what their behaviour gets them…maybe power, control, entitlement to not have to do certain tasks, etc. If no long term behaviour changes have been made, then again it’s not looking great for any potential to actually change.
  4. If they show NO genuine remorse, they are not accepting the consequences for their actions, they are not trying to make amends (on a long term basis), then there is a 99.99% they WILL NOT CHANGE! The reason is that they don’t believe they are doing anything wrong and they see you as something that is within their entitlement to control, punish and abuse…I knowwww, this is not what you wanted to hear and I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this…. But please know that your life is not over!
  5. If an abusive partner shows genuine remorse with ZERO excuses (not the fake emotion which gets you to drop your guard) and they genuinely go out of their way to make amends – not roses and a weekend away, but more they do actions to make you feel loved, like affirming you with words, doing something kind like running you a bath or cooking for you, etc. If they start doing this consistently and they recognise that your family won’t allow his/her behaviour anymore, they also are aware that their own family want them to change and the narcissist really wants to become a better person, then there is a long road ahead…
  6. What they would do if they did everything in the previous step, is they would need to check into a rehabilitation centre for abusers – it’s costly and takes years of reprogramming their minds!

There is no way of changing them – they can only change if they WANT TO CHANGE but they tend to do a few months of rehab and realise it’s not for them! They discover they would need to do some deep work of undoing their childhood trauma, and also letting go of the benefits of their abuse, such as the entitlement and being treated like a superior being…when they start to see this, nearly all perpetrators relapse back to being abusive… The tiny percentage who do keep going (<1%) are most likely after a few years into their rehab realise that they relapse when they have an argument or get angry. So, there will always be a part of them which craves the power and control, and always a part which will want to be abusive.

I really wish we could fix them (fix them all, as the world would be a better place then), but the reality is that when abusers have support from family/friends, advocating their abusive ways, they will continue as they are, because they see that as approval for their behaviour.

When I discovered this, my world just stopped, it was over! He was never going to change! I realised that in order to have a healthy family, I needed to leave, I needed to leave the marital home behind, I needed to start my life all over again, and that it was going to be so difficult…but once I left, I realised it wasn’t half as difficult as being in a relationship with someone who is incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

You were guided to this post for a reason, and I am sending you so much love and light…

Please feel free to connect with others on their healing journeys @connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and @connectingwomen2gether on Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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When you know it’s abuse but you can’t bring yourself to leave

Posted on by healwithsanita

It feels horrendous, you feel so unloved, sometimes he beats you or even worse – he mentally degrades you until you feel worthless….but it’s all worth staying for, because there are glimpses of love, flashes of hope that he can change, and when he is being good, it’s pretty damn wonderful, right?

Yes, I know, because I once was in an abusive relationship and I know how it feels to have the bipolar love and I also know the reasons why you may be choosing to stay in the relationship…please, don’t feel judged if you are choosing to stay.

What I would like to do is just share a few of the main reasons as to why us ‘women’ stay (yes, I am fully aware women can be abusive too, however, this post is dedicated to abused women).

So here are the 2 reasons (there are several reasons, but all in all it boils down to these 2 reasons) at the core:

  1. Your level of self worth
  2. Feelings of loss/Never have this again

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The only way you will ever leave a relationship, regardless if it is abusive or not, is if you change how you feel about either your sense of self-worth, meaning that you believe you deserve more. Or secondly that you stop believing that you are losing something by walking away or stop the self- sabotaging thoughts that you will ‘never have’ something again. I know I used to think that I would ‘never have a relationship like this again’, I would ‘never have a love like this again’, ‘never get married again’, and quite frankly I was talking so much bullshit! Well, actually…I never did have an abusive relationship again, so maybe I was right when I said I would never have a relationship like this again.

My point is that until you believe you are worthy and deserving of more love, your subconscious will sabotage you from leaving and until you believe that you will actually ‘gain’ from leaving, rather than ‘losing’ from leaving, your subconscious will again sabotage any attempts at leaving.

This may be why you have attempted to leave in the past, but please know, if you have attempted to leave, then this is great and it means that you are getting closer to leaving for good. On average it takes domestic violence victims 6-7 attempts to leave before they leave permanently.

Whether you choose to stay or leave, I hope you know that this blog was no accident, your prayers were answered and it was sent to you in a time of need!

Please know that you are deserving, you are beautiful, and if you choose to leave, you will heal and find a pure genuine love, if you allow yourself to.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

You are NOT betraying your partner for reporting them!

Posted on by healwithsanita

The insane levels of guilt and feelings of betrayal are enough to make you think that YOU are the guilty person, even after all the abuse and everything they have done!

After a partner who you love does terrible things to you, such as acts of violence, then part of you will want to report him as it’s the right thing to do…But then the other half of you will be wondering how on earth you could do such a thing… Probably because of the sheer guilt and heaviness, your heart feels like it’s betraying him/her…

If you are feeling like this and not sure what to do, then let me, please, give you some tips which might help…

1. She/He’s done it before!

Firstly, I can almost guarantee that if your partner is being reported for domestic violence or an act of violence towards you, then it certainly is not their first time they have done this! They may or may not have a record, as most women feel what you feel and are either too scared to call the police, or feel like they can’t, because they don’t want to betray their abusers. So, by you reporting and following through, you are helping provide some kind of consequence for your ex/partner, because as it currently stands, he thinks this violent behaviour is normal and ok.

2. Stop giving approval!

Do you really want this version of love for the rest of your life? For your kids’ lives? If you don’t report him, then then the abuse continues and you will live a miserable life…by not reporting it, the abuser may take your silence as approval of the abuse and may think that you want this abuse to continue (they have sordid minds).

3. Think about your grandchildren.

Every abuser who doesn’t get reported means that another person can fall into the trap of abuse without the warning! If we don’t report all abuse, then what chances do your future grandchildren or great grandchildren stand if there is a world of abusive people who continue their destruction without facing any consequences… if you choose to report, then you are doing your bit to make the world a better place for future generations.

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4. You are wired to feel guilty!

If you have been in an abusive relationship for any period of time, you would have been wired to feel guilty ALL THE TIME – that’s how abusers make you think everything is YOUR FAULT; that’s how they keep the fog around your eyes for so long that you can’t see the real manipulation! Please know, this is exactly how the abuser wants you to feel so he can continue his ways. It is up to you to break the pattern of guilt!

5. If it was a stranger?

Let me ask you something – if a stranger came up to you on the street and carried out the same behaviour as your ex/partner, would you be ok with it or would you report it? Or if they treated your friend in such a way? So surely your partner (the person who claims to love you) should treat you much better than a stranger, right? And if your partner doesn’t treat you better than a stranger, then what do you think you should do?

I know these points may seem a little cruel and I see that…but I also see many women who choose not to report their partner and then later immensely regret their decision…

I hope this helps you remove some of that guilt and heaviness and know that you are beautiful and you deserve a true, full, wholehearted love in your life!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

I don’t think I am strong enough to leave my abuser!

Posted on by healwithsanita

So many people tell me this…they say they don’t think they are strong enough to leave…or that they don’t think they would survive alone after they leave.

I am not here to tell you to leave your partner but I can explain a few things as to why you are feeling conflicted…

Survival mode versus logical thinking

You are currently in survival mode and not thinking logically, due to all the abuse you have endured, so your survival brain is saying you are not strong enough… but your logical brain would tell you the following: you lived a life before this person, right? So you can absolutely live without them! It may be hard, as you may miss them at first, but you can leave and survive (trust me, I have left and am now thriving).

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Loss of confidence in yourself

You have been brainwashed into not believing your own logic and thoughts, and instead the voice that says you can’t leave is not your voice…it’s your perpetrator’s voice. It’s months and years of emotional and psychological abuse making you lose your confidence and self worth! So you can absolutely leave and THRIVE and be ok. It will be a journey, but you are way stronger than you think! You have just been brainwashed and conditioned to think you are weak!

Breaking the trauma bond

You are subconsciously addicted to the abuse…I know it’s actually crazy, but true!! It’s something we call the trauma bond, which makes leaving a perpetrator so damn difficult (trust me, I know – I have been there too). The bond can be broken, it just means you need to know why you are leaving your abuser and what the consequences are of staying and what the benefits are of leaving. Once you know these, you then need a solid period of time away from them with no contact (not with any intention to go back to them). Then you can start to chip away at the trauma bond and pour back into yourself. Easier said than done, but it can absolutely be done!

Please know that the last thing your abuser wants is for you to leave, because then they would lose their emotional and physical punchbag.

They will do anything to make you stay – this technique is called ‘hoovering’ – basically sucking you back in again, and doing and saying all the things you want them to do/say…but it’s funny how they only do this when they know you are close to leaving. So be mindful of their ‘hoovering’ techniques.

So please know you are way stronger than you know, and please stop repeating the negative things you say about yourself…instead be kind to yourself!

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Sexual abuse with adults – How do I know if there is sexual abuse in my relationship?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Sexual abuse happens in adult relationships and sometimes in marriages, too! I know a lot of people, including myself, for a long time thought sexual abuse only occurred with children but sexual abuse is actually quite common in adult relationships, too!

The problem is a lot of people (mainly women) don’t actually know they are being sexually abused…

You might be thinking, well I would know if someone tried to rape me….but actually sexual abuse, although it includes rape, can be more discrete and predominately happens in relationships or close relationships.

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Some ways to know if you are being sexually abused are:

  • If you’re made to feel guilty, so you are coerced into having sex;
  • Your partner uses your past against you, so you feel like you must have sex with them;
  • You are made to feel like you aren’t being a good enough sexual partner;
  • Or your partner just exhausts you at night, so you just give up and give in even when you don’t want to
  • Or you may just find him on top of you during the night.

The problem is that we just don’t talk about sex…and because of that, sexual abuse goes under the radar so easily because perpetrators know that their victims won’t ever talk about it…let alone know that it is even a form of abuse!

Sexual abuse: definition

Sexual abuse: When a partner is wanting to have sex and using guilt, coercive control, playing mind games to manipulate their victim or simply using intimidation to get sex, even when their partner voices they do not want to!

  • Sexual abuse is another way of exerting power and control for the perpetrator;
  • Sexual abuse and assault can happen within a marriage, and relationships – this means wives and partners can be rape victims, too;
  • Perpetrators often believe it’s their male right to have sex when they want and on their own terms due to their entitled thinking;
  • Sexual abuse and assault can be coerced through exhaustion, guilt, fear of punishments, intimidation, and physical force;
  • Abusers can also deprive their partner of their sexual needs as a form of punishment;
  • Drugs and alcohol can be used to coerce victims into sexual acts.

The way out of sexually abusive relationships

Sexual abuse only gets worse the longer the relationship goes on…the only way to stop it is to leave the perpetrator…which is not what anyone wants to hear. I know I certainly didn’t want to hear this when I was in an abusive marriage.

Leaving is never easy but in my opinion, it’s totally worth it.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

How do I know if they are really sorry?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Has your partner done something to hurt you or have they physically hurt you? Have they called you degrading names or insults? Put you down, gaslighted you so you feel mentally exhausted in trying to tell them how you feel or do you just simply feel like complete shit after anytime you try and express your opinion on their behaviour?


I know the feeling; I was in an abusive marriage myself and often my perpetrator would do grand gestures after his malicious behaviour, which would make me think he was actually sorry…But how can you really know if they are sorry or not? Because, let’s be honest, they say it a fair few times but keep doing the hurtful actions?

Here are some tips to know if the perpetrator is really sorry:

1. They take full responsibility

So without being prompted by yourself, they own up to what they have done and genuinely show remorse – I don’t mean just saying the words ‘I am sorry’….because we all know that can be bullshit.


What I mean is seeing if they can be sorry without any excuses or justifying. For example, perpetrators who are NOT SORRY would say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry but you know I get triggered when I drink alcohol, it just makes me angry’, or they would say ‘I am sorry but if you didn’t upset me, then none of this would have happened’.

If it’s genuine remorse, then they say sorry regardless, with NO EXCUSES OR JUSTIFICATION.

2. They accept the consequences

This means that they accept their partner (you) might be upset or angry and will need some time to come round. Your partner would understand that you would need time and that this is normal.

A perpetrator would not allow their partner to be upset and would actually want to punish them further for taking the time to be upset with them – because they are not sorry. Someone who is truly sorry would understand their actions have consequences.

3. They try and make amends

If your partner is trying to make amends, not by doing grand gestures like taking you on a mini break away (this is what perpetrators do), but actually trying to be more respectful to you and trying to fix the situation. Maybe fixing the item they broke, they are considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better.

Ultimately, knowing if someone is really sorry comes down to whether they keep doing the same crap again, or if they actually start treating you better after seeing the consequences of their actions.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why do I keep attracting toxic abusers in my relationships?

Posted on by healwithsanita

Had a narrow escape from one abusive relationship, you were thankful and grateful that you left because if you didn’t, life would have been horrendous…but then when you try and date or are even remotely interested in someone, they also seem abusive? It’s worrying because you start wondering if you can ever have a healthy relationship again. Like, seriously,

Are all men fricking abusive?

The answer to this is simple: no, they are not…there are plenty of healthy men out there, too. 

So I firstly congratulate you on discovering that there is a pattern with your relationships, because some women end up going their whole lives without ever noticing this.

Secondly, being aware men are abusive is also a huge milestone to celebrate, as many women (including myself), do not realise that they are being abused at the time of it happening.

Trust me on this one – I had to do lots of research to realise that I was in an abusive marriage, and then discovered my previous relationship to that was also abusive, but I had no fricking clue!

Like, how does one not know what the difference is between abuse and a healthy relationship? 

To find out more, please watch this short video explaining some of the many answers as to why we end up in these abusive/toxic relationships without even realising…

Sanita explains why some women keep attracting abusive/toxic people.

I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse. 

Keep smiling at her in the mirror! 

Sanita xxx

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5 tips to know if your partner is actually abusing you covertly

Posted on by healwithsanita

Feeling scared but don’t know why? Not sure what you do to upset them but they get upset anyways? Feeling like it just doesn’t matter what you do anymore as you seem to be upsetting them or making them angry all the time? 

I used to think the same and then it wasn’t until a therapist told me that I was going through abuse…it still took me a while to accept the situation that my own husband was abusing me…

So here are some tips because I don’t want you to suffer like I did, in the dark, not knowing what was happening around me, thinking the abuse was some sordid version of love….

  1. When you try and hold them accountable for anything, they will refuse to accept it and do one of the following….Blame you, say hurtful things to deflect from the situation, walk away, or minimise the abuse by saying something like: “you are overreacting, like always”. 
  2. You partner has a problem with you being out either with friends or family or just being out of the house. They might not show it, so they could sabotage you going out by making an argument happen, for example right before you are due to leave.
  3. There are extremes in the relationship – you might be thinking that your partner has some bi-polar disorder or something because one minute they are calm and the next they literally go crazy!
  4. They say and do horrendous things that make you feel so unworthy, but then they do extravagant things to make it up to you. Or say they are sorry but do the same actions again.
  5. You feel like EVERYTHING is your fault! Not matter what you do, you will get blamed, you feel like you are struggling because there is no winning with your partner. Even when you know you did nothing wrong, somehow it gets pinned on you!

If you feel this content has been helpful, then please drop a comment below, or if you would like to speak to someone, please contact me on Facebook @connectingwomen2gether 

Keep smiling in the mirror and sending you lots of love and light!

Sanita xxx

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