How to change your partner in 1 simple step!

Posted on by healwithsanita

Well, I am guessing you are reading this because you WANT to change your partner, right?

Let me guess, they are behaving in ways you don’t like? You may have told them clearly that they need to change and yet they still carry on in destructive ways….so now you need to find a way to change them?

Well, let me firstly ask you 1 question…

Why do you want them to change?

You might be thinking “well, because they are mean to me and disrespectful”….or you might be thinking it’s because you love them and they are the parent to your child, or it could be that they are the main provider and you feel like you have nowhere else to go and your only choice is to fix them…

Whichever reason you have…it’s not a nice feeling to have and if it’s any consolation, I totally get it! I have been there in a toxic relationship where things weren’t working and I needed to fix him…

I didn’t change my ex-partner’s abusive ways..but here is what I did instead, which I believe will absolutely help you!

Firstly, I understood that the problem was I wanted a person (and behaviours from a person) that weren’t coming from (and couldn’t) come from my partner at the time…I mean I really had to accept that!

Consequently, you’re probably thinking, “I didn’t even try and change him”…wrong! I tried EVERYTHING (talking to him, therapy, getting other people involved, leaving temporarily etc etc) under the damn sun because I loved him, I was tied to him financially, and I was married to him, and in my culture, divorce was like committing a crime to the masses!

I told him specifically that the behaviours he was doing were not right (basically abusive, but I didn’t know it at the time) and YET he STILL carried on! So, after accepting that he wasn’t going to change, because here is the thing – I realised that he knew what he was doing, he knew he was hurting me but didn’t care enough to change!

The only way to change your partner is leaving the relationship!

Going back to my first point, I realised that the problem was what I wanted didn’t match what I was getting from the relationship….meaning if I stayed, I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life! THE ONLY WAY to change your partner is to leave them and physically change them for another healthy partner!

Obviously, don’t switch your partner straight away, take some time out for your healing and work through your traumas, etc. See my post on not feeling strong enough to leave.

Here is the thing…when you RAISE THE BAR and you don’t allow the toxic patterns in any relationship, especially from the beginning, then a healthy love will come your way and that’s when YOU GET ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT FROM A RELATIONSHIP!

I am sorry if you thought this post was actually going to help you change a person’s behaviour – the reality is (because I have done extensive research and worked with women all over the world), these abusive or toxic people don’t ever end up changing, as they enjoy the abuse and the benefits they gain from it, such as the power and the control. Please see my other post on feeling like you aren’t enough.

Sending love and light to you reading this, and please know this has come to you in divine timing!

You are beautiful and deserve to be loved in a healthy way…

Sending you love and light,

Sanita xxx

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Dating again? Here are 3 major red flags you must know!

Posted on by healwithsanita

You have been through the wars with your ex-partner, all the abuse, all the disrespect, the hurtful things they said and did, and now you want to date again, but not sure how…

Before I go into any details, I want you to ask yourself – do you feel like you have taken sufficient time to do some healing work before you start dating again? Do you feel ready? This is a double-edged sword, as some women jump right back into dating and some will want to stay well away from dating forever. So what I am asking is…do you feel like you have learnt from the past and you are ready to know what you deserve in a relationship?

If your answer is yes, then keep reading, as I am going to dive into 3 major red flags you must know and how to judge if the person you’re dating could be a healthy individual…

1. Everything on fast forward!

If you feel a little overwhelmed and things seem like they are moving way too fast. On the one hand you are happy, because you know where you stand with the person, but at the same time you’re not sure if it’s the pace you want…this it could be red flag.

One thing you can do to help yourself know if it is healthy or the beginnings of a toxic relationship is to allow your dating or relationship to flourish and grow on your terms. This does not mean you need to start controlling everything, but it does mean that you can control some of the pace during the dating phase and watch for their reaction. For example, if you say that you are feeling slightly overwhelmed and things are moving fast, but you like them and would like to slow things down and perhaps see each other only at the weekends as you have other commitments in the week…

A healthy response: would be someone who really likes you but would respect that things are moving a little fast and wants to slow thing down to make you feel comfortable and would respect your boundaries and work to your timelines.

An unhealthy response: would be someone who would completely disregard your feelings and would carry on at their pace, as they are deliberately trying to ‘love bomb’ you and get you to fall in love with them so they can get started with their abuse.

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2. Talking about violence.

So, they might be making jokes about violence, for example ‘Do you want a punch in the breasts?’ or they may even make jokes about violence towards others (friends or family members). Or they may even talk about their ex-partners and violence. Violence with a partner is of course a red flag, but when they say there was violence and they were the victim… it can be even more of a red flag! Sometimes what could be happening is that they are being reflective and reversing roles and providing all the correct details of the scenario but not being honest of who the victim actually was and who the perpetrator was… They are also testing your tolerance to violence by making crude ‘jokes’ to see how you react.

So how can you tell for sure if someone is abusive or not if they are talking about violence?

You can set clear boundaries and state that you don’t like the violent comments or jokes and you don’t find them funny. You can also ask more questions about the violent ex-partner and specifically what they have learnt from their ex-partner to not be in that situation again?

Healthy response: generally speaking, healthy individuals are happy to respect boundaries and once they understand what is a limit for you, they would stop. They would be calm about the situation and want to put you first and make you feel comfortable in the relationship. In regards to the ‘violence comments with the ex-partner’, the healthy response would be that they have learnt from the situation…

Unhealthy response: An abuser would generally react negatively any time there is a boundary being put on them… they would not want to accept the boundary and they would keep speaking of violence jokes/violence or make out that you are overreacting/overly sensitive. They may even deny ever saying the joke. They may even start getting angry at you for trying to set boundaries. In regards to the ‘ex-partner and violence’, there would be no learnings, or they would try and change the subject, or avoid answering any more questions, or they would get angry, or they could even fake some emotions to make you believe them…so only time will tell when their reactions come out.

3. Prince Charming or Mr Angry?

Your partner has mood swings, like dramatic mood swings, you might feel like you’re not sure where you stand with them, as one minute they are incredibly loving and kind, and the next minute they are being aggressive, angry, shouting, walking out etc? Well, this could also be a red flag!

There are ways to tell if the person is actually abusive or not though…You can watch the behavioural patterns – is it consistent patterns of up and down? Also when are their moods swings coming in? Are they coming in when they don’t get their own way?

Healthy response: They are actually charming, caring, and nice consistently over a period of time like 6 months or a year (they may get upset but we are all human). There is consistency in their actions and behaviours which show they are caring and want the best for you. The individual does not want to control the relationship or yourself…

Unhealthy response: The abuser is overly sweet and charming, but then is totally inconsistent by then going cold on you and not responding to your messages, etc. They keep showing up to your house or work (perhaps even after setting a boundary). They are sweet and kind for the first 3 months and then after that things start going downhill and don’t return to that same level…the reason being is that ‘love bombing’ is not sustainable and it is their true self trying to come out over time. The first 3 months is fake love and attention. Generally speaking, you may be feeling confused from the ongoing whiplash from the mood swings, not knowing what you are going to get from him or what mood he will be in and you won’t feel like you are able to talk to them about this, as they will create more drama.

This is not an exhaustive list of red flag behaviour, please subscribe to be notified of more posts with this information. Sometimes abusive individuals can be very deceptive, so could even give a healthy response and also a healthy person can be triggered and react negatively sometimes, so look for consistent patterns across time and take things slowly.

I wish you success in your dating – please subscribe for more and keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Why is dating so hard after abuse?

Posted on by healwithsanita

After abuse, dating just seems like a complete freaking minefield…there are so many narcissists out there! Not only that, if you aren’t dodging the narcissists, then you are trying to avoid the people who just want sex and no commitment! It’s like a battlefield and you are simply trying to see if there are any healthy people left out there who actually want to be in a relationship!

I left an abusive marriage and thought that I would never trust a man again…but I learnt to (please see previous post for help on trusting a man again ) and now I live an amazing life with a healthy man. Now I want to help all women receive this guidance which I didn’t have whilst navigating through the mess and healing….because I realised there is not much help out there on this topic!

Something huge I have learnt is that me and YOU were wired, literally hard wired to attract an abusive man again…because of several factors (childhood trauma, cultural influence, societal pressures, and low sense of self-worth).

So the problem is that YOU are accustomed to being love bombed! What this means is that because you have previously had an abusive relationship, you are so used to having so much fake affection, love and attention being thrown at you. This fake love and attention gets you thinking ‘Wow, this guy tells me where he stands with me and I like it!’ ….The reason why you may like it, or why your nervous system likes it, is because it soothes childhood abandonment and rejection issues. So, your brain thinks ‘Wow what a great guy who can show me love and affection and give me the attention I need.’ – please note that abusers (male or female) can spot your needs and adapt their love bombing to make anyone feel special in a space of a few weeks.

So, let’s say when you try and date a HEALTHY MAN, things don’t go quite like you expect or plan, because ALL YOU ARE USED TO IS ABUSE! So when they don’t send you 15 messages in 1 day, or send you flowers to your home, or turn up unexpectedly at your house or work, or when they don’t confess their undying love for you in 2 weeks, you might be questioning if they are even into you! Because healthy men take things much slower, so this will feel unfamiliar, because you are not used to it!

Unresolved abandonment issues + A lack of love bombing (a healthy slow love) = Not knowing where you stand >>> Sabotaging the healthy relationship!

So the whole reason why you may struggle to attract healthy men is because you might still be expecting/wanting the unhealthy traits of abusive men. It sounds crazy, I know!

I know this might seem like a hard pill to swallow, because right now you thinking this is incorrect! Well, it’s technically not you…it’s actually your subconscious which is familiar with love bombing and wants the familiarity. When a healthy person comes along, it feels all unfamiliar and your brain says ‘Let’s sabotage this, because something different feels weird’!

So what can you do to help yourself find a healthy love?

> Start by doing things that are uncomfortable or take you out of your comfort zone – this will start building your confidence!

> Start looking at healthy relationship dynamics in others around, what do you see that perhaps you are unfamiliar with?

> Know your worth…what traits and behaviours do you actually want the healthy individual to have? This will get you thinking about what you do and don’t want and help shape what is acceptable for you.

If you would like more tips on dating and relationships, please do subscribe below…and remember to keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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This trauma response could be costing you a healthy, loving relationship!

Posted on by healwithsanita

This trauma response nearly cost me my relationship! So, for those of you who are new to this blog, please know that I speak from experience. I went through abuse, left the relationship, healed and still healing, and now helping others to heal from their traumas, so they can live their best life, attract healthy love and be at peace with themselves…

When I was with my abusive ex I would be ‘stonewalled’ all the time (this is a form of psychological abuse designed to punish a victim by shutting them out – physically, emotionally and psychologically). This meant I could go days, sometimes weeks without being able to speak to him. Please see previous post on this. It meant that if I tried to talk to him, I would receive either physical abuse or be completely ignored, like I didn’t exist. It would be so painful to endure because I would just want to talk it out and he would sometimes disappear for days on end and I would have no clue where he was, if he was ok, if he was coming back home or not. If this sounds familiar, then please know that it is used as a form of punishment to gain power and control over a person.

Anyways…what I am trying to get to is the trauma response! So now I am in a healthy and happy relationship and it has taken a lot of healing to get here but I wanted to share something I experience which I think can really help if you are dating healthy men. If you are not sure how to navigate dating, click here on my post about how to trust a man again.

So stonewalling creates a cycle in a victim to believe she is being punished if she doesn’t get a response from a person because of the trauma which was hard wired into her from the past… so when a healthy person friend or romantic partner doesn’t message you back right away or doesn’t call you back for hours or sometimes days, it can make your trauma think that you did something wrong…

Your trauma will completely fixate on the fact that the person hasn’t messaged you and you may start feeling like you are unloved, uncared for, not thought about or even being punished, so your mind will start racing through the things you thought you may have done…or you may start to think that you are being abused again.

What I learnt from my experiences…

>I still had unresolved trauma which I needed to work on…
>I needed to communicate my feelings with my partner, so he could help support my healing…
>I needed to understand the root cause of these feelings…
>Our partners are not at fault – they might trigger you, but the trauma response lies within yourself…

So what can YOU DO to help heal from this trauma?

>Try and go back to your childhood or your last abusive relationship and understand what behaviours from others triggered these uncertain or negative feelings?


>Write down how you feel in the moment of these periods of uncertainty and what these feelings are essentially costing you in your life right now. Is the trauma response stopping you from dating? Or finding dating hard? Or is it that you feel like you can’t commit to a person? Or you are sabotaging healthy relationships? What is it really costing you in your life?


>Write down what you need to tell yourself in the moment when these feelings pop up again. For example…I tell myself that ‘I am loved and my partner is just busy and he will message me when he gets a minute. My partner is a kind soul and would never dream of punishing me’.


>Write down an action plan of things you can do to reverse the feelings…so what can you do that makes you happy and makes you feel confident that perhaps you can do for yourself in the moment?


>Have a think and see if there are any other trauma responses which could be popping up during
this phase of your life that you might want to start looking into?

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the love and success in your relationships moving forwards.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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Here are 5 tips on how not to react to your narcissistic ex-partner!

Posted on by healwithsanita

You left them but somehow they are still getting to you? Either it’s through the divorce or through the children, or just simply they find a way to contact you and trigger you…

You might be thinking: “Haven’t I gone through enough with this guy or girl? Why won’t they just leave me alone?” Is it not enough that they controlled you for such a period of time that they still want to try and manipulate you after you have left too?

Yes, I totally get it! I have been there and reacted with the same emotions of anger, depression, days of crying and upset, frustration, sheer annoyance and also a pinch of anxiety, too….and what I can tell you is that it is A GAME for them, they love playing the reaction game, they love playing the control game, and they love winning.

So screw this! I am going to help YOU win for once! The winning equates to you not reacting and not giving YOUR POWER away to these narcissistic beings!

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1. Tip number 1 is to breathe!

This might sound crazy, but we cannot control the narcissist, but what I can teach you to do is help you control your own reactions towards them and also your own thoughts and feelings towards the overall situation. Breathwork can calm your entire body and nervous system; it actually reduces your blood pressure and reduces the stress hormone in your body. If you don’t know how to do breathwork, then please keep reading and I will drop some links. Breathwork helps you instantaneously lose the feelings of anxiety and depression and frustration…it has helped me so much!

2. Remember you can love and be loved back!

Tip number 2 is to remember that they don’t know how to love, and we don’t want to hate them, but feel sorry for them, because you actually have the capacity to love people and receive love from others…Abusive people are incapable, so it doesn’t matter if they moved on or not, you know deep down that the next person will go through the same trauma as you…so instead, focus on the fact that you are healthy and can love others and will find someone to love in the future!

3. Physically move your body!

So when the narcissist makes a move in this game that he is playing, they win by getting you to show your upset reactions… So when they make the move, you would need to go straight into doing an activity such as physically exercise or some breathwork…it doesn’t have to be going to the gym and and having a complex, heavy weight regime! No…all I mean is move your body – walk, run, swim…maybe do some jump squats or some rope skipping in your garden. This will release endorphins and make you feel way better. I would say if you are able to, then do something more intense and it will help release more of the happy hormones. Then make any decisions you need to after you are in a different state of mind…repeating this will create a habit.

4. Focus on what you want for your life!

Know that every time you allow the narcissist to get to you, you are allowing him to take you away from the vibrational energy and emotion you need to attract what you want in your life. Meditate and visualise what you want, instead of worrying & giving all your energy to someone you chose to leave (it just takes patience and practice).

5. Remember everything that you already have in your life.

Yes, life is unfair, and yes, we got the short straw with the ex-narcissists, but when I left my ex, I was very grateful for a roof over my head, food in the fridge, the fact I had my health, I had legs, and I could walk, and also the fact that I WAS FREE and no longer controlled…I could do whatever I wanted! Gratitude is a powerful practice and it can help you attract more to your life.

Life isn’t that bad when separating from a narcissistic partner. I am not saying you can’t be upset, it’s ok to be upset in the moment, we do react in the moment…but then we have a choice to do something that will help you feel good (like the 5 points above), or we can allow the ex to win and we give our power away…we allow them to have control over our emotions, even when we have left them!

Here are some additional information and resources which might help:

Meditation links:
https://youtu.be/VaN36LGLh4I
https://youtu.be/6wzPKoeguw8

Breathwork links:
https://youtu.be/qlTC2HBmPeM
https://youtu.be/zmn_7wr0Pk4
https://youtu.be/0BNejY1e9ik

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

Going to court with an ex- Narcissist? Here are 5 tips to help!

Posted on by healwithsanita

Why is it that these abusive people get away with their ways in court, by playing the victim? It’s crazy how they will play the system and use it to abuse you even more…like everything they have already done to you wasn’t enough! I have been on this journey, too and I initially found it very frustrating trying to manage my reactions and emotions with my abusive ex-husband… so I want to share 5 tips on ‘How to deal with a narcissist in, during or after court.’

Firstly, what you have to know is that your ex-partner is deeply hurt that you left the relationship, not necessarily because of their love for you, (which might sound very hurtful), but they tend to be more upset about their ego getting bruised with you leaving them…they basically feel abandoned and rejected after losing their sense of power over you.

Their primary goal now is to hurt you back, to make you feel the pain they are feeling and they will try and make life as difficult as possible for you…we call this ‘post-separation abuse’.

Divorcing anyone who has been abusive previously in a relationship can become challenging because the ex-partner is accustomed to having power and control over you and the relationship. So what this means is they will try their very best to control the divorce, custody of children, and seize any joint assets and enjoy using the legal system against you to make you feel powerless, depressed, exhausted and damn right just fed-up with it all!

How a narcissist will try to control you

You need to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride because these narcissists will go above and beyond to try and hurt you, and I want you to be prepared because I know from previous experience that when you are not prepared, it upsets and shocks you even more… so here are a few things that they might do to try and obtain power and control over your emotions:

>File false allegations against you;
>Refuse to respond to any offers you make on assets outside or even in court;
>They may even defend the divorce just to increase legal costs for you;
>Threats they will go for full custody if you do not return to the relationship;
>Claim you are on drugs or an unfit mother in some way to spark investigations;
>Persuade your own family/friends that you are the abusive one;
>Bring fraudulent documents into court to claim 100% asset ownership;
>Bear face lie in court and create stories about you (defamation);
>Play the victim role so well in court, so you have little to no credibility;
>Legally represent themselves just so they can even cross examine you.

The above are just some of the twisted things these abusive people do, just so they can continue to punish, hurt and control you…it’s not fair, it’s not nice and it’s still abuse!

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5 steps to navigating a divorce with an abuser

What I would like to do now is show you how to navigate through this period, and please know if you do have a divorce or financial dispute with assets, that it may take a few years to resolve, with the help of courts, depending on how crazy your ex-partner is and how much they can fund their lawyers…

1. Keep living your life!

I know a lot of women say they can’t date or do anything because of court dates/divorce or because of their ex….NOOO, please continue to live your life! THIS is exactly what they want, they want you to be curled up in a dark corner somewhere, miserable as hell! What you can do to help yourself is start to live your life and know that you will…and can get through it all…because you survived being with your ex (and that was bad enough), so you can survive anything! You are free now, so enjoy your freedom!

2. Don’t react!

They want a reaction, they want you to be miserable and they want you to contact them! They think you are still the same version of yourself who was in the relationship and we both know you evolved to know your worth, which is why you left! By not reacting, it shows them that you are a different person now and they can’t get to you! The best way to deal with an ex abusive partner is to allow a third party to be the buffer between you (whether it be a friend or a solicitor), and you remove all direct contact with them.

3. Visualise the process being done!

What I mean by this is, keep visualising what YOU DO WANT, rather than focusing on the worry and fear of what he/she might do next…easier said than done, I know! I remember when I had no money, my ex was doing EVERYTHING to stop me from getting my share of the joint house and I wanted to just cry everyday but what REALLY helped me was to keep meditating and visualising me being done with courts/lawyers and the EX! I kept visualising what life would look like after court was done, after I didn’t have to pay out to lawyers anymore…how I would feel, what I would be doing, etc. Honestly, this helped me stay sane, otherwise the alternative was to focus on the worry, fear, and unfairness of the whole damn situation and honestly, that didn’t work for me. In fact, it just made me sick instead. I strongly advise getting into the daily practice of meditating and visualising your life after this struggle.

4. Have faith!

Yes, it is so easy to go into panic mode and feel like everything is a mess in your life and it’s all going to shit! Life is over, and your ex might be financially draining you, and you might have no clue how to get through each day….This was me! This was probably my toughest period in life so far, having taken out several loans to pay my legal fees and what helped me in the end (it took me 3 years to realise) was to have faith that everything was going to be ok. Easier said than done, because you gotta think about a different reality to the one you are living in…Keep telling yourself everyday that God/Universe/Higher power has got you and won’t let you fall. Keep repeating this to yourself multiple times a day until you start believing it! Trust me, it will start sinking in!

5. You were chosen!

Please know YOU were chosen, YOU were selected by some higher power to take your ex on, to show him/her that abuse is not okay, to show them that you aren’t afraid to walk away and know you deserve more. YOU were the one chosen to teach them a lesson… to show that you are strong and stronger than them! That it had to be you to take them through the court and leave them, because maybe another woman wasn’t strong enough to do this…so please know you are not in this situation by accident or because you made a mistake a few years ago…it was all part of a process to make you realise how powerful you actually are and to tap into your inner divine self-belief!

If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

Sanita xxx

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    Does my partner have Bipolar?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    If you are feeling like your partner behaves in ways which are just simply really mean and disgusting; if they beat you or are continuously putting you down, making you feel guilty, puts ‘blame’ onto you for a lot of the relationship problems, only seems to behave badly towards yourself but is angelic with others in public…

    Are you in an abusive relationship?

    If the above is all ringing true and seems familiar, then it probably means your partner is being abusive…you probably don’t want to hear that right now, but you do need to know that there is a reason why they chose you, why they only behave like this with you and not others. If you keep reading, I will answer all your questions…

    Firstly, what I mean by ‘abusive’ is that your partner may be hungry for power and control and like to always be the one in the relationship who has it, which then means they will always do debilitating acts (to you or the relationship) to get their control and power over you/your relationship.

    These patterns also tend to mean that they have always been like this in a relationship – it’s kind of part of their identity to be power hungry because it’s the only way they prefer…as this way gives them a lot of entitlement…i.e benefits which come with the abuse and they like feeling in control!

    But I guess what you want to really know is why they picked you and why they are so abusive to you and perhaps not to other people…

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    Traits abusers are looking for

    The answer to this is really simple – they specifically chose you because you had some traits which were beneficial for them….traits such as ‘strong independent woman’. The strong woman doesn’t tend to show vulnerability or how she is feeling with anyone, so abusive people prefer a victim who has this trait. It means it is easier to control and manipulate without being caught out and having their true identity revealed to the public.

    Another trait is ‘people pleasing’…this one is great as it means victims fall in the trap of forever trying to please their partner without ever knowing that the system is flawed and it’s designed to make you fail. There is no finish line, there is never a way to please an abusive person, as they make up the rules and continuously increase the standards. People pleasers will fall in the trap of ‘let me keep trying’ and spend many years failing to appease their partner and falling deeper under their control instead…

    There are far too many of these traits for me to go into but you get the gist of things; the main issue here is really that the perpetrator is ACTUALLY INTIMIDATED BY YOU! YES, I said that right – they are jealous of what you have achieved and your empathy, your passion, your ability to love with no boundaries, your skills and attributes…and so they set out each day to break you down, one day at a time…so that you don’t really notice until you are far deep into the hands of your abuser…

    If this is you, know that this post came to you for a reason… please know there is help available and you can reach out if you would like to…feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

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    How to change a narcissist in 6 steps?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    You might be fearing that your partner has some strong narcissistic traits or you may be contemplating leaving a partner who is displaying some narcissistic traits…some days it all feels a bit too much and you don’t feel loved…

    Either way, I guess what you really want to know is…How did your partner become a narcissist? How can you change them? Is there a reversal process to make them healthy and loving?

    I will absolutely answer all these questions but first…

    If you are experiencing a partner who has strong narcissistic traits, then please know that you are a strong, beautiful woman – there aren’t many people on this planet who can endure such punishments and abuse. I totally understand that you may not want to see it as abuse, as you may be in love with your partner and not in a position to leave them, but would rather change them….This is a position I truly understand, as I too was in the same boat and heavily researched ways to change a narcissist/abusive partner and I would like to share with you what I found and what steps you can take next…

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    In order to change someone, you firstly need to be aware of what you are trying to change…

    Can an abuser ever change?

    1. What are the behaviours, traits, abusive patterns that you believe are not healthy? What is it exactly that you want to change? Once you understand this, you have a clearer image of what you don’t want, which opens a path to what you do truly want.
    2. Secondly, have you voiced your concerns for all the above issues that you know are unhealthy? I am sure you have, probably on multiple occasions, and you have most likely been gaslighted, your feelings minimised, or you have faced point blank denial for any behaviour, or they may have even said the whole issue is you! If you can’t voice your feelings, then the chances of change in your partner are practically zero!
    3. Have they made any long-term changes to not do the things/behaviours that you have asked them not to do? If they have, how long have they kept up with these changes? Or did they relapse back into old ways? What this will tell you is that your partner is FULLY AWARE that you are unhappy, but they continue because they enjoy the benefits from what their behaviour gets them…maybe power, control, entitlement to not have to do certain tasks, etc. If no long term behaviour changes have been made, then again it’s not looking great for any potential to actually change.
    4. If they show NO genuine remorse, they are not accepting the consequences for their actions, they are not trying to make amends (on a long term basis), then there is a 99.99% they WILL NOT CHANGE! The reason is that they don’t believe they are doing anything wrong and they see you as something that is within their entitlement to control, punish and abuse…I knowwww, this is not what you wanted to hear and I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this…. But please know that your life is not over!
    5. If an abusive partner shows genuine remorse with ZERO excuses (not the fake emotion which gets you to drop your guard) and they genuinely go out of their way to make amends – not roses and a weekend away, but more they do actions to make you feel loved, like affirming you with words, doing something kind like running you a bath or cooking for you, etc. If they start doing this consistently and they recognise that your family won’t allow his/her behaviour anymore, they also are aware that their own family want them to change and the narcissist really wants to become a better person, then there is a long road ahead…
    6. What they would do if they did everything in the previous step, is they would need to check into a rehabilitation centre for abusers – it’s costly and takes years of reprogramming their minds!

    There is no way of changing them – they can only change if they WANT TO CHANGE but they tend to do a few months of rehab and realise it’s not for them! They discover they would need to do some deep work of undoing their childhood trauma, and also letting go of the benefits of their abuse, such as the entitlement and being treated like a superior being…when they start to see this, nearly all perpetrators relapse back to being abusive… The tiny percentage who do keep going (<1%) are most likely after a few years into their rehab realise that they relapse when they have an argument or get angry. So, there will always be a part of them which craves the power and control, and always a part which will want to be abusive.

    I really wish we could fix them (fix them all, as the world would be a better place then), but the reality is that when abusers have support from family/friends, advocating their abusive ways, they will continue as they are, because they see that as approval for their behaviour.

    When I discovered this, my world just stopped, it was over! He was never going to change! I realised that in order to have a healthy family, I needed to leave, I needed to leave the marital home behind, I needed to start my life all over again, and that it was going to be so difficult…but once I left, I realised it wasn’t half as difficult as being in a relationship with someone who is incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

    You were guided to this post for a reason, and I am sending you so much love and light…

    Please feel free to connect with others on their healing journeys @connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and @connectingwomen2gether on Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

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    Why does it always feel like my fault?

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    When no matter what you do, it always feels like your fault! Even when you try to be conscious of everything that you do BUT your partner still screams at you and puts all the blame on you…there might even be times when you enter that conversation knowing that you were right and you wanted to talk about your feelings but they turn around and say that your feelings are wrong and that ‘if you didn’t do something, then things would have been better, or that if you didn’t get mad, then they wouldn’t have reacted the way they did’…

    If you are constantly feeling on edge and guilty, it’s because that’s how you have been conditioned to be….

    If this all sounds familiar, then know that these are some examples from my previous abusive marriage and I am writing this blog to help you see the patterns of emotional manipulation and how you can overcome them.

    Firstly, emotional abuse is about manipulating an individual to feel a certain way – usually these are guilt, shame, worry, anxiety, depression, loneliness, unhappiness, etc – all the emotions you really want! Just kidding! I mean, the goal for perpetrators is not to make you happy, that’s for sure.

    How do they cause these feelings?

    • Gaslighting
    • Punishments
    • Constant degradation
    • Rejection
    • Denial
    • Minimising

    So they will minimise your feelings by saying you are overreacting to things, or completely deny their behaviour (which will make you feel like you are going insaaanne). They may even constantly punish you, so they have trained you to feel bad if you don’t do certain things that they want…one example of a punishment could be stonewalling where they act like you don’t exist and this can be a form of emotional torture.

    The gaslighting is probably the biggest one here though, and this is when a perpetrator will tell you your feelings aren’t correct, or twist everything that you say or may project their own behaviour onto yourself…which can be very confusing. They will also lie, even fake their own emotions to get you to doubt your own thoughts – that’s the objective…for you to doubt yourself, so you can’t see past the lies and games and lose trust in your own judgements.

    So how do you know for sure if it’s emotional abuse? And if it is, how on earth do you overcome it?

    1. Collect as much evidence as possible; try to make a note of conversations and how they react when you bring up feelings or anything you want to discuss which may cause some conflict.
    2. DON’T REACT! They may do any of the above techniques to try and throw you off but you must watch and observe for patterns. After a few weeks you will know for sure.
    3. So overcoming it is a difficult one – once someone knows they can manipulate you, they will always chose to do it because they enjoy the power! So this is where you decide if you want to continue in the relationship or know that you deserve better.
    4. If you chose to stay, then the only advice I can give you is to stay safe and try to remain as sane as possible…set boundaries but know that no perpetrator will like boundaries because it means they lose control of you and the relationship.
    5. Be aware of how anyone (partner or friend/family) interacts with you, what their patterns are, if they have to deal with conflict, can you tell them anything without any of the above reactions?
    6. Lastly, don’t allow anyone to control and manipulate your thoughts, listen to your gut and the more you see the patterns around you, the more you will start to believe in yourself more and the guilt will slowly start to dissolve…

    I hope this helped. Please subscribe and share with anyone you think might find this useful and connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx

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    When you know it’s abuse but you can’t bring yourself to leave

    Posted on by healwithsanita

    It feels horrendous, you feel so unloved, sometimes he beats you or even worse – he mentally degrades you until you feel worthless….but it’s all worth staying for, because there are glimpses of love, flashes of hope that he can change, and when he is being good, it’s pretty damn wonderful, right?

    Yes, I know, because I once was in an abusive relationship and I know how it feels to have the bipolar love and I also know the reasons why you may be choosing to stay in the relationship…please, don’t feel judged if you are choosing to stay.

    What I would like to do is just share a few of the main reasons as to why us ‘women’ stay (yes, I am fully aware women can be abusive too, however, this post is dedicated to abused women).

    So here are the 2 reasons (there are several reasons, but all in all it boils down to these 2 reasons) at the core:

    1. Your level of self worth
    2. Feelings of loss/Never have this again

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    The only way you will ever leave a relationship, regardless if it is abusive or not, is if you change how you feel about either your sense of self-worth, meaning that you believe you deserve more. Or secondly that you stop believing that you are losing something by walking away or stop the self- sabotaging thoughts that you will ‘never have’ something again. I know I used to think that I would ‘never have a relationship like this again’, I would ‘never have a love like this again’, ‘never get married again’, and quite frankly I was talking so much bullshit! Well, actually…I never did have an abusive relationship again, so maybe I was right when I said I would never have a relationship like this again.

    My point is that until you believe you are worthy and deserving of more love, your subconscious will sabotage you from leaving and until you believe that you will actually ‘gain’ from leaving, rather than ‘losing’ from leaving, your subconscious will again sabotage any attempts at leaving.

    This may be why you have attempted to leave in the past, but please know, if you have attempted to leave, then this is great and it means that you are getting closer to leaving for good. On average it takes domestic violence victims 6-7 attempts to leave before they leave permanently.

    Whether you choose to stay or leave, I hope you know that this blog was no accident, your prayers were answered and it was sent to you in a time of need!

    Please know that you are deserving, you are beautiful, and if you choose to leave, you will heal and find a pure genuine love, if you allow yourself to.

    I hope this helps you feel better and please subscribe and follow for more information on dealing with perpetrators and healing from abuse.

    Feel free to connect with us @Connectingwomen2gether on Facebook and Instagram.

    Keep smiling at her in the mirror!

    Sanita xxx